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Who’s Controlling You & Who Are You Controlling?

Still planning to finish Karla McLaren’s Language of Emotions. I just wanted to give you a preview of another book I’m reading:

Who’s Controlling You? Who Are You Controlling? Strategies for Change by Carol Rogne. Outskirts Press, Inc. Denver Colorado. 2011.

Pg 8: Attributed power is power that is given to others. In our culture we often assign power to persons who are male and are of the majority race. We may also attribute power to persons who have high intelligence, special talents, wealth, and are attractive. People who have inherited a powerful name or reputation from their parents may be viewed as having more power than others. We view these people as superior, which causes an imbalance in the power structure. In personal relationships this imbalance will eventually cause communication and other relationship difficulties.

Pg 11: This diagram illustrates the positions of one-up, and one-down and the neutral position. There are only two power positions: up or down when one uses a competitive, dichotomous, either-or way of thinking. Taking a one-up position is sometimes called capping. Being critical, taking over conversations, or ordering, directing, and commanding are ways of taking a one-up position. Sometimes one-up comments are about trivial things, for example, “You eat weird.” But more often, controllers establish a one-up, superior position by more serious personal attacks such as, “You can’t think your way out of a paper bag!” or, “You wouldn’t last a day without me!” or, “It’s always better to do it myself because you always mess things up!”

In contrast, a controller might take a one-down position, especially when a one-up position is not successful at getting compliance. This is posturing as being helpless or victimized and using guilt or other one-down strategies to control another person. An example of a one-down statement is, “You have time for everyone else, but not for me.” The unspoken message is that the person being manipulated is unkind and inconsiderate. Or, “I can’t possibly pay you because I have so many other bills.” The unspoken message is that the person is insensitive because they expect to be paid by someone who is financially overburdened. By taking a one-down position, the other person will often agree or comply because they feel obligated or guilty. When this happens, the controller re-claims the one-up position.

Pg 12: The following is a one-up, one-down scenario:

Controller A: “You are over-reacting!” (This is a one-up statement to establish a superior, one-up position).
Person B: “I am not over-reacting. Your behavior is abusive.” (This is an assertive statement. Person B is not manipulated into a one-down position.)
Controller A: “Abusive! What is that supposed to mean?” (Another one-up statement. The unspoken message is that Person B is exaggerating and way off base.)
Person B: “I am not over-reacting. Your behavior is abusive.” (Person B is taking an assertive position and repeating what was previously said.)
Controller A: “Well, I guess I must be a really bad person!” (This is a one-down statement, meant to manipulate Person B to retract the statement. If the person retracts, Person A resumes the one-up position.)
Person B: “Your behavior is abusive.” (Person B does not retract the statement.)

Pg 15: Despite how controllers stay in denial and distort the truth, emotional and mental abuse is interpersonal violence because it is an assault on the emotional and mental health of the recipients. The harm that is caused by emotional and mental control is like a broken leg that does not heal, causing everyday pain and hindering movement and life itself.

Controlling persons use their power to create fear or guilt so that less powerful persons will be subservient and compliant.

Pg 19: Emotional and mental control within relationships adversely affects people that we claim to love, sabotages healthy communication and problem solving processes, and slowly destroys emotional bonding and intimacy. Very often, neither the controller nor the person controlled realizes that power used to control others is corroding the relationship. Emotional and mental abuse can be overt and recognizable, but often is subtle, manipulative, and difficult to describe.

Though it may be difficult to believe, we are often unaware of how we are controlling or how we are enabling the control, though it is often evident to others.

Pg 20: Whether the controlling behaviors are intentional or unintentional, they are behaviors that are disrespectful, abusive, and interpersonally violent.

Pg 27: controllers are both male and female, but our society gives permission for males to be dominant and discourages the same for females….Controllers can be polite and very caring, especially in the early stages of relationships. They can also be mean, moody, and critical of others to get what they want.

Research confirms that people who use their power to control others act more selfishly, impulsively, and aggressively. They have low self-esteem, are often insecure, are self-consumed, and have difficulty taking others’ perspectives….lack skills in handling their stress, anger, and disappointments. The most common forms of controlling behaviors are anger causing fear in others (the one-up position), and projecting guilt toward others (the one-down position) in an effort to get compliance.

There are a number of reasons why controlling behaviors are not immediately recognized by people who are emotionally and mentally controlled:

o Controlling behaviors can be subtle and manipulative.
o Controlling behaviors are so prevalent that they are often viewed as normal.
o Recipients of control often blame themselves for relationship problems.
o It is difficult to think clearly when being badgered with criticisms and other controlling tactics. Energies are spent emotionally dodging arrows rather than stepping back, assessing the situation, and developing proactive strategies for coping or dealing with the control.
o We love someone who we thought was right for us and to acknowledge that a controller is emotionally harming us is an assault on our beliefs.
o During courtship we may not have experienced being controlled. Controlling behaviors often escalate as the relationship progresses.
o Because we usually like and trust people, it takes time to realize that controllers do not have our best interests in mind. Rather, they have their best interests in mind.
o We may not share our experiences of being controlled with other people because we don’t want to complain about the person we love. We may think that it is bad-mouthing when we decide to talk about the emotional and mentally abusive behaviors we are experiencing. We often feel guilty about sharing what goes on in our relationship because we think we need to keep the family secrets. However, this only serves to protect the controller’s dysfunctional behaviors.

Pg 32: He always thought he did things right and I did things wrong. If the kids made noise while he was watching TV, I was at fault for not making them be quiet. If I happened to be watching an interesting show on TV and he came in the room and wasn’t interested, he simply changed the channel and I felt like a non-person and that he must be better than I am. There was never any compromising. As a result, I stopped watching any TV. He didn’t like it when I felt good and was excited about something, so I started to act like I felt badly when I was really feeling good.

Pg 33: I have decided that sarcastic humor is a coward’s way of expressing anger because the anger is not expressed directly and appropriately. With this realization, I once asked him, ‘Let’s talk about what you are really angry about.’ He had no response. Usually, when he was confronted, he would be silent and walk away. But as far as sarcastic humor, I’ve been there, heard that, done that and won’t put up with any more of it.

Pg 35: 6. Control by maintaining one knows what is right: Controllers think that they are right and anybody that questions or confronts the controller is wrong, stupid, or incompetent. They overtly or covertly communicate that the imbalance in relationship power is right and is how relationships should function. Controllers’ spoken or unspoken words are, “I need to correct you!” However, the other person is never allowed to decline the offer. Another tactic is patronizing and giving advice with a haughty attitude of superiority.

Controllers also think that people should have the same priorities because they think they are right about priorities and get upset when others have different views as to what is important and less important.

Pg 36: Anything that inconvenienced him was deemed as either wrong or unnecessary. This different way of thinking was a major discovery for me. Once I saw through this self-serving way of thinking, I could more easily dismiss it and not take it seriously.

Kelly talks about her priorities being different from those of her husband:
His priorities for me were that I work, be sexually available, keep the house clean and last, be the primary caretaker of our children. My priority list was different. My top priority was my children, then work, then keeping the house clean and bills paid, and last, be sexually available because I had difficulty being sexual when there was no emotional intimacy between us. He often told me I had my priorities all wrong.

Pg 36: 7. Control by diminishing the self-esteem of others: Attacking what person say, do, or their personhoods, diminishes self-esteem and self-confidence. If self-esteem is diminished, the recipient of control is less able to confront or leave a controller. Controllers will sometimes preface their conversations by such statements as, “Don’t take this personally, but…” or, “I’ll be honest with you…” and then say something that is very demeaning and often untruthful. If the recipient is offended because the statement was personal, he or she is accused of being too sensitive or inadequate in some way.

Pg 37: 9. Control by directing a partner to stop associating with family, friends, coworkers or a support group: Controllers often criticize anyone connected to the recipient of control or make guilt statements when spouses choose to be with other people. Often, controllers insist that the relationship with them should be top priority, despite the fact that their behaviors provide no motivation for a spouse to be with them.

Pg 38: I now realize the importance of my family of origin and how we all got lost to each other in our marriages….I slowly lowered my expectations on my spouse regarding wanting an emotional connection. I finally came to realize connecting emotionally would only happen if there were some kind of miracle.

Pg 39: 11. Control by expressed or unspoken expectations: Controllers’ expectations regarding activities, need for help, or need for attention and affection are seldom expressed directly, but in round-about and subtle ways. If controllers’ expectations are not met, they do not believe that it is because their expectations are unreasonable. Rather, controllers believe it is because of the controlled person’s inadequacies, faults, or lack of compliance in not meeting what is viewed by the controller as reasonable expectations.

Pg 41: Now I am more centered on myself, with an inner focus, rather than being focused on him. I am not sacrificing myself by trying to be who he wants me to be, whatever that is; I’m not sure. It may not look from the outside that I have made changes, but on the inside, I am very different in a good way.

12. Control by having an attitude of entitlement: Controllers often think that they are entitled to others’ services, love, and attention.

But it was a lot easier to be sexual with him, than to put up with his moodiness and sarcasm the next several days.

Pg 42: 13. Control by lying, exaggerating, or distorting information: The words “never” and “always” are clues to untruthful or exaggerated statements. Besides taking a superior stance, these communications are used to protect or defend the controller or to make another person feel guilty. These tactics create a lot of unnecessary confusion and drama in a relationship and nothing is accomplished.

Pg 44: 16. Control by keeping the “Relationship Rule Book”: Controllers make the rules and enforce them whenever, however, and wherever they can. They believe that they know what is best for other persons. i.e., The rules were, ‘I am superior, you are inferior, and you are to be subservient and compliant. You need to please me, but I don’t have to please you. I am important by you are not important. I can scold, interrupt and have expectations of you, but you can’t scold, interrupt or have expectations of me. You are to make all the emotional investments in the relationship because that is your responsibility, not mine. You are to dress, act, think, and feel in ways that please me. You need to appreciate me but I don’t need to appreciate you. I am independent.’

Pg 46: 19. Control by non-approval: This critical approach conveys the message, “Regardless of what you do, I know you’ll mess it up some way.”

The fact that I had a right to live by my own standards and not hers was a major, life-changing revelation for me. When I ignored her silence and moodiness and went about my life using my own rules, I was amazed that a bolt of lightning didn’t strike me down. Rather, I felt better.

Pg 92: Controllers are critical of others because they are critical of themselves and compensate by making others feel inferior.

Codependent relationships are “A-frame” relationships, and if one side of the A-frame falls, the other person topples over as well. We try to orchestrate each other’s life at the expense of keeping our own life in order.

Pg 95: Controllers minimize the significance of power differences so that the existing inequalities remain as they are, and the unfairness is not confronted.

Pg 96: To the extent that subordinate people or groups are willing to conform to the standards and expectations of more powerful persons, they are considered to be well adjusted. This requires them to be submissive, compliant, and dependent, which are behaviors that are contrary to all definitions of positive mental health.

Pg 97: It is not uncommon that when women demonstrate their personal power, the outcome is criticism from men and often from other women who view their leadership behaviors as aggressive. This discourages the use of personal power in a direct way. As a result, women often use their power indirectly to get around, under, or over men in order to proceed with a project.

Whenever there is an imbalanced power structure, there is anger, distance, dishonesty, stress, and distance within the relationship.

Pg 98: Many of us can create our own ways of relating and living, rather than behaving as a dominant or a subordinate person…We can surrender our control if we are controlling others and learn ways to confront emotional and mental abuse, rather than enabling it. We can be our won person, functioning in ways that make moral and ethical sense to us.

Pg 103: The down side of the competitive model is that it does not work will in personal relationships.

Pg 105: Males are expected to be dominant and are given societal permission to control, whereas women are expected to be passive, subservient and enable the control.

Pg 146: When I confronted, I did not cry or have angry outbursts. Before, when I lost control of my feelings, I was told I was over-reacting, out-of-control and that I was the problem.

Pg 153: I had no quarrels with anyone and had no other relationship problems other than in my marriage. With growing awareness I started seeing the controlling behaviors that created problems. It became clearer that I couldn’t stop the relationship from continuing to deteriorate. I realized that the problems and the emotional distance in our marriage were not all my fault. I began realizing how he was creating the hassles and then blaming me. I finally started to think my own thoughts, feel my own feelings, have my own opinions, and make choices that were more in line with my values.

Pg 154: Sue shares how she felt that there was something wrong with her:

Not just once did I think this—I thought this for several years! That is what my controller said in sarcastic ways so frequently that I think I was brainwashed. I just kept buying into his statements. I thought I had to have a good enough reason to leave like if he would have an affair or if he would physically abuse me. Sometimes I felt like I was right in the middle of a country western song! Then I started to think that I could survive if I needed to make a change, despite being told I would never make it. The most important thing for me was to understand the ways of control and develop a language for my experience. Part of this understanding was figuring out his one-up, one-down way of thinking and talking.

Pg 155: I now realize that he taught me how to be single because he was never a true emotional partner. Since my relationship began, I was really emotionally single but had the restrictions of marriage. The only time I was lonely and vulnerable in my life was the years I was in an empty marriage and wanting an emotional connection. After I left my marriage, I never felt lonely again, and at fist, this surprised me.

Pg 156: At times, controllers think they are being controlled by those they are controlling because they are experiencing reactive controlling behaviors of the control recipients, such as rebelling and behaving in other ways to upset the controller….They often blame others, refuse to take responsibility for relationship difficulties and seldom acknowledge any weak areas within themselves. Closed minds do not hear, distort what is heard, or reject what is heard as false or unimportant. Controllers often create their own reality, which is saturated with denial, self-protective attitudes, and ways of thinking. Information which is challenging to the controller is rejected. Controllers often stay in denial about their own unacceptable behaviors, which for them are viewed as normal and not abusive.

Pg 157: As a result, attitude and behavior changes are unlikely to happen.

Controlling persons, behind the façade of being emotionless do have emotions and many are very caring. Their emotions include feeling rejected, insecure, confused, and hurt, as well as feeling love and concern for others that may be held within and rarely expressed.

Pg 158: controllers also excuse their inappropriate behaviors by using outside factors, such as drinking too much, having a stressful day, or having to work with incompetent people….Understanding subordinates carries no interest because controllers view them as inferior and not worthy of concern. Dominants fail to ask for input from subordinates, which results in a poor understanding of less powerful persons’ experiences, thoughts, and feelings….Typically, controllers look strong on the outside but have less inner strength than most subordinates. Emotional pain develops inner strength, but by staying in denial and blaming others, controllers can side-step their pain for a considerable length of time….controlling persons have power but may not feel powerful. They may think that they are expected to make the decisions and be a major source of the family income, but do not receive the recognition or appreciation they deserve. They are often shocked when a spouse announces that he or she is leaving. They usually have not heard the previous conversations and confrontations or ignore the indicators that the relationship is at risk. Because of denial, intervention in earlier stages of marital dysfunction is seen as unnecessary to the controller and as a result, the relationship continues to deteriorate.

Pg 159: Other common behaviors of controllers
o Minimal listening, negotiating, and communicating with family members
o Difficulty understanding why people are reactive to their behaviors which they often view as helpful rather than controlling.
o Uses a do-it-my-way approach

Pg 164: Joey talks about his criticizing:

Okay, I criticized her and it probably wasn’t right. But she makes it sound like I am abusing her or something. I’ve never laid a hand on her. But she has turned really cold and uncaring. Sometimes she doesn’t even have supper made when I come home and I get upset. She gets home at 4:30 so should be able to put together something to eat. She always takes care of the kids, but they always come first, and I am sick of it. She’d do anything for them, but if I ask her for one little thing, it’s a big deal. And I let her do anything that she wants to do. I don’t know what is wrong with her—seems like she just doesn’t want to be around me. I hope she gets over her moods.

Pg 170: Levels one and two are ways we communicate to colleagues, supervisors, sales persons, and customers.

For people who are uncomfortable or not interested in talking about feelings, there are ways of ending communications on level three and four. Diverting to a different topic, or using trite phrases such as, “Well, it will be better tomorrow,” or, “You are always too emotional” are ways of shutting down the communication and forcing movement toward more comfortable, unemotional topics such as sports or the weather. Closing off communication is a way of controlling another person by the way we communicate.

Pg 172: A place where men share feelings and are accepted is in Twelve Step recovery meetings. For many men, this is the fist experience of seeing other males self-disclose, share deep feelings, and be emotionally supported by other people.

Pg 173: Most responsible adults want to make their own decisions, rather than being told what to do and will ask for advice when they want feedback or someone’s expertise. They would like their thoughts, likes, dislikes, frustrations, opinions and feelings to be acceptable communication topics, especially when communicating with a significant person.

Pg 175: We may be very effective communicators, but when power structures are unequal, our communication skills are disabled. For dominant people who think in terms of one-up and one-down, speaking is often considered to be the one-up position. When a controller takes a superior position, there is judging, criticizing, minimizing, ridiculing, and offering what are believed to be the right solutions. These controlling behaviors sabotage meaningful conversation.

Pg 177: When we develop an emotional language and use our own voice, we can articulate our experiences, which is self-empowering…When we discover a word to describe the feeling, we can then “pin it down” and make it real to us. Naming the feeling clarifies it. It is no longer eluding us….when we name the feeling, we can then work with the feeling. It is ours. We can take charge and make choices as to what we are going to do with the feeling.

Pg 178: By developing our language and discovering and using our own voice, we are more able to identify the controlling behavior and directly state what we are thinking and feeling. We can speak with clarity when we set limits and state that we are no longer willing to be a recipient of emotional and mental control.

Pg 179: When we are aggressive, we are not respectful of others. Assertiveness is being honest and respectful to both ourselves and others. When we experience controlling behaviors directed toward us, we can make statements clearly, firmly, and directly, such as “No!” or, “What you just said is verbally abusive to me,” or, “Please stop manipulating me with guilt.” It may be a challenge for us to actually communicate these simple statements without taking them back, apologizing for saying them, or feeling guilty because our controller chooses to have hurt feelings when faced with the truth.

The basics of being assertive:
o Communicate in a neutral, middle power position rather than a superior, one-up, aggressive position; or an inferior, one-down, passive position.
o Set a time and place to speak to the controller.
o Rehearse in your mind or write down what needs to be said. You can also think about possible responses by the controller and mentally prepare assertive responses in return.
o Start sentences with “I,” rather than “You,” to avoid blaming statements.
o Speak with truthfulness, firmness, respectfulness, kindness, and in normal tones.
o Listen as well as speak.
o Be specific about the behavior that is offensive to you by speaking directly, rather than expecting the person to “get the drift.”
o Use short sentences when confronting.
o Resist the temptation to end the conversation because of emotional discomfort.
o Stick to the specifics of the current situation rather than bringing up past hurts.
o Repeat the original statement if the other person becomes defensive, starts discounting what is being said, or changes the topic.
o Go slowly and pay attention to what is happening in the communication process.
o Take a time-out if there is the possibility of an eruption of anger.
o Practice calming inner self-talk.
o Being assertive also means affirming others. Thank your controller for listening and for her/his time.

Pg 180: Communication is a process. When there are communication errors the process breaks down. It is like driving a car. When the wheels fall off, or the brakes don’t work, or the engine breaks down, the car is unable to take us to our destination. We automatically stop and repair the car. It is the same with communication. We cannot continue to communicate with a process that is broken down and expect good results. We have to stop and reflect on what needs to be repaired. Did we start attacking each other? Is someone shutting down? Is someone becoming angry? Is our partner not listening? These errors have to be corrected before we continue to share feelings, ideas, or negotiate problems in the relationship.

Pg 181: When communication is abusive, we can tell the controller that we are no longer willing to put up with verbal or mental abuse. At the end of a sentence, we need to drop the level of our voice, which conveys that there is nothing more to talk about. Self-advocacy is using our words and asking for what we need. It is learning to say no when we need to say no, or we can say, “Not now, but I could do it later,” or, “I have plans, so I can’t do that.”

Standing up and advocating for ourselves is likely to be viewed by a controller as being aggressive, selfish, and unappreciative. If we suspect that these accusations will be made, we can be prepared for such statements. We can resolve to not internalize the statements as truth. We can decide whether or not to confront the statements.

Pg 182: Some statements are so off-base, false, and manipulative, that they are not worthy of being heard.
o About silence: there is a type of silence that is created because the controller is taken off-guard and has no response, because he/she is faced with the truth. When this silence happens, do not break the silence in order to make it more comfortable for the controller. This is a learned skill in how not to be a rescuer. Silence can be quite uncomfortable but let it take its course.

The Language of Emotions

Just finished reading McLaren, K. (2010). The Language of emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. I can’t wait to share my “gleanings” with you. In the meantime, here are some of the thoughts I’ve come across:

Pg 84: Distraction and dissociation can give us a blessed vacation from suffering, but if they become habits, they will make us incapable of dealing masterfully with that suffering….If you use any addictive, distracting, or dissociative practices, you don’t need to feel ashamed of yourself or quit cold turkey, but you should know what you’re doing with your distraction of choice and why you’re doing it. Bless yourself for keeping your life going in any way you could, and turn your awareness toward your addictions and distractions; they can pinpoint the areas where you’re most in need of support.

Pg 86: Let’s look at a real-life experience with a baby who won’t stop crying, no matter what we do. It’s hard to be there with all the noise and unhappiness. We make soothing sounds and try to alleviate the distress. We check for binding clothes, wet diapers, hunger or thirst, but the crying increases with the baby’s frustration. We shush the baby, we rock her, but she keeps crying, so we try to make her laugh. We find a toy. We get Mr. Bunny and make him do a dance. “Look at Mr. Bunny! Mr. Bunny hops on his head! Mr. Bunny’s funny! Let’s laugh with Mr. Bunny!” When the baby finally begins to laugh, we feel much better. Whatever was bothering the baby, well, that’s forgotten now, thank goodness. We have peace, and that’s what matters, right? However, what if we could say to the baby, “You feel really sad. Things are hard right now.” Usually, the baby will stop crying much faster if we just let her feel, if we just support her in the way she feels at that moment. I’ve found that even very young babies, if you support their feelings, will be able to calm themselves or make some movement toward the source of their problem. Crying can move discomfort into conscious awareness, even in young babies, and from that place of awareness, even young babies can communicate their true needs.

If we get in the way with jostling and distractions, the crying will probably stop, but the baby will have missed an important growth experience. She won’t have been able to let her feelings tell her what’s wrong, and she won’t have been able to make a conscious connection between her discomfort and an important issue inside her. What’s worse, we won’t have helped her strengthen her connection to her own water element, which means we’ll move further from our own water element as well. When we wave Mr. Bunny around, we stifle awareness in others, but we also dim our own awareness and become less able to deal with life as it is.

Unfortunately, that’s how we’ve set up our lives and our culture. If there’s trouble or pain somewhere we rarely sit with it and honor its truth. We rarely support the emotions or follow them from imbalance to understanding to resolution. Instead, we bring our some form of Mr. Bunny and terminate our discomfort. But in so doing, we multiply it into suffering that hurls us right out of our psyches. We don’t honor the discomfort or the trouble; we just distract the baby inside. We learn in this culture, form our earliest moments, that discomfort must not be allowed to run its course or inform us in any way – that anything is better than discomfort. Young or old, rich or poor, we all rely on distraction and avoidance as a matter of course; it’s the defining movement in our training and in our culture.

Pg 88: Distractions, addictions, and avoidance behaviors have become the norm at every possible level of our culture…the difficulty isn’t in breaking the specific habit or detoxifying from certain chemicals; it is in making a movement that is so very atypical….our culture-wide refusal to deal with discomfort has dropped all of us into suffering.

Pg 89: Our lust for distraction does not spring from the fountains of human knowledge; it comes directly from the heart of unhealed trauma….There is unparalleled information in the heart of trauma, not just from those of us who survived assault or abuse, but for our culture as a whole….there hasn’t been serious sociological or anthropological study of the effects traumatized people have on their culture….unrelieved trauma (especially in childhood) impacts our society at every level. How can we know that the vast majority of prostitutes, convicts, mental patients, addicts, and alcoholics survived childhood trauma without understanding that this mass of tortured humanity is trying to show us that trauma has an enormous influence on individuals, and through them, on our entire culture? Each one of us is intimately connected to trauma, either in our own lives or through the people closest to us…the behavior of the traumatized half of our population has a direct impact on how our society functions at every possible level.

Pg 92: Traditional therapy is often useful in addressing the mental and emotional components of trauma, but it can be less successful in addressing the boundary damage and the tendency toward dissociation. …the damage that results from any kind of trauma – molestation, beatings, emotional cruelty, painful surgeries or hospitalizations, or even frightening dental work – is remarkably similar and remarkably common. I had to expand my understanding of trauma to include the vast population of dissociated, emotionally disconnected, and mentally overwrought people I began to see.

Pg 93: I also saw that trauma survivors tend to affect the people around them; they tended to create an atmosphere that provoked dissociation and avoidance behaviors in their circle of friends and family. Some trauma survivors did this by unconsciously visiting traumas (emotional or physical) on the people around them, but some did it merely by being emotionally unavailable in their relationships (which sent the people around them into discomfort and avoidance behaviors). I saw that dissociated and distracted people tended not to support integration and awareness in the people around them; they often created a ripple effect of distraction and unconsciousness in their environments.

An example of this ripple effect can be seen in early scholastic environments, where children who are learning to shut down their empathy (which requires powerful avoidance behaviors) are driven to create an emotionally dangerous environment of ridicule and threats….traumatic and dissociative behaviors are almost always contagious….Dissociated people often have poor boundaries, and they tend not to be aware of boundaries in others, which makes them somewhat hazardous, emotionally and socially.

Pg 96: Remember that “suffering ceases to be suffering as soon as we’ve formed a clear and precise picture of it.”

Pg 97: Because repressers avoid, distract, and dissociate as a matter of course, they destabilize their own lives and the lives of the people around them. Repressers don’t support consciousness inside themselves; consequently, their lives and relationships tend not to support full consciousness either.

We run away from the sensations in our bodies that ask us to viscerally feel the trauma again because we don’t understand that certain aspects of traumatic flashbacks can heal us (but only if we approach them in the correct way).

Pg 98: The third response to trauma is to channel it from within an awakened psyche, to enter it consciously, to dive into the emotions, the thoughts, the visions, and the sensations – and to turn the trauma on its ear.

I had already seen firsthand that the lingering symptoms of trauma could indeed be healed with dissociation was understood as a rupture between body and spirit.

Pg 99: In response to this nearly universal trouble in the psyche, humans have for many centuries nurtured religious doctrines, spiritual teachings, scholastic systems, medical and psychological modalities, and socialization structures that, in essence, support and encourage dissociation, distraction, imbalance, and emotional illiteracy. The separation between body and spirit, the overemphasis on small parts of the intellect and the dishonoring of the emotions, these behaviors and mindsets aren’t restricted to one culture or one set of doctrines. Severe intrapersonal resourcelessness and the inability to restore focus and health after traumatic incidents exist throughout most world cultures.

Apathy & Boredom

The following is taken from: McLaren, K. (2010). The Language of emotions: What your feelings are trying to tell you. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

 

Also visit U-TUBE for an 8-minute video of McLaren discussing the function of anger, fear, sadness at Emotion Theater

Apathy and Boredom

The Mask for Anger

GIFTS

Detachment – Boundary-setting – Separation – Taking a time-out

THE INTERNALS QUESTIONS

What is being avoided? What must be made conscious?

SIGNS OF OBSTRUCTION

Monotonous indifference, impassivity,

Or distractibility that halts creative action

 

PRACTICE

Honor your need to be separate and detached

without taking yourself out of commission.

Use the anger beneath apathy to reset your boundaries

 in healthy ways.

Repression in any emotion causes trouble throughout your psyche, but anger is so vital to your health that repressing it actually brings up a specific state in response.  This “masking” state of apathy (or boredom) arises when you’re unable or unwilling to deal with your true anger.  Apathy is not an emotion, but it does protect you.  However, since it stems from repression, it can lead to trouble if you’re not aware of it.  It’s fine to feel apathetic, but it’s important to know what’s happening in your emotional realm when apathy appears.  In unmasking apathy, you’ll learn about the anger trapped within it (and how that entrapment is sometimes a helpful thing), and how to support yourself in addressing the rue angers beneath your mask.

When you don’t have the time, energy, or ability to work with your anger properly – when you don’t protect your boundary or the boundaries of others, when you feel unable to speak out against the injustices you see, and when you feel incapable of affecting our surroundings, you’ll often fall into the masking state of apathy (also known as boredom).  In a masking state, you cover up your inner truths with a protective attitude that can distance you from uncomfortable situations.  Apathy squelches emotions by affecting an “I don’t care; I can’t be bothered; whatever” attitude.  Apathy seeks distractions such as TV, fun food (as opposed to nourishment), new loves, travel, money, shopping, instant fame, instant meaning, and a quick and easy way out.  Apathy is a dissociated state, usually related to being stuck in the wrong environment for your needs.  Because it masks emotion, though, apathy is powerless; it longs for change, but it doesn’t have the emotional agility to make conscious change happen.

If your apathy is allowed to flow freely in your psyche, you’ll let yourself take small vacations from focus and industriousness – you’ll be able to daydream, detach yourself with diversions or comfort foods every now and then, or plop yourself in front fo the tube or a mindless book when you need a break.  You won’t fight your movement into distractions by throwing yourself into overwork or hyper vigilance.  If you welcome your apathy, it will move on quickly, but if you inhibit it (or wallow in it), you’ll plummet into imbalance.  Here’s how to maintain your equilibrium around your need to detach yourself and take a time out.

The Message in Apathy

Apathy often masks anger and depression, both of which arise in response to inappropriate environments and degraded boundaries.  You can see apathy trying to slap a boundary together—trying to define itself with material possessions, addictions and distractions, sarcasm, or perfect-world scenarios.  Apathy points to a loss of boundaries, and to a distinct and urgent need for change, but it does so in an ineffectual and distractible way.  Apathy chatters and gripes all day, but it doesn’t ever accomplish anything.  Conscious complaining, then, is an excellent antidote for apathy because it takes powerless griping and turns it into an intentional and defined practice.

Apathy and boredom can serve important functions in many situations where effective action cannot be undertaken.  Adolescents, for instance, whose lives are controlled by schools and parents just as if they were still toddlers, are often plagued by apathy.  Since we no longer have rituals for the complex transitions of adolescence, we don’t notice or honor the ascent into adulthood, nor do we honor the individual who’s trying to emerge.  The human trapped in adolescence is ripe for ongoing bouts of boredom and apathy; she’s in an environment too small for her soul, and she can do nothing but wait until trudging, stubborn, endless time sets her free. Apathy helps to mask and staunch the incredible angers within her—angers that might incinerate the only home she has.  Therefore, in our incredibly unaware culture, boredom in teenagers can be seen as a good thing.

Apathy and boredom in adults is another story altogether.  Boredom is a sign of becoming a product or a victim of your environment, instead of an active and aware participant.  Boredom in adults (who have choices and options teenagers can’t even imagine) is often a sign of emotional repression, avoidance, and dissociation.  However, this is no reason to consider apathy and boredom as entirely odious things.  We need the masking state of apathy if we’re unbalanced or dissociated and can’t use our emotions properly, and many of us use apathy to provide the flow that should come from our emotions.  For some of us, apathy and the distractions it requires are the only things that can get us from one place to the next.  We get bored with one job and take another; we tire of one relationship and grab on to someone else; we trudge away at work to get enough money to buy this perfect car or take that perfect vacation; we survive.  We don’t understand ourselves, and we don’t live full lives, but our apathy keeps us going and provides a certain shielding from our deep issues (and the deep issues in our culture).  The mindless activities apathy and boredom require can even protect us from falling into the true depressions and anxieties that underlie many distracted and dissociated behaviors.

We struggle against our natural depressions and anxieties with incredible amounts of boredom-relieving stimuli – most of us have instant, in-home access to TVs, phones, music, and computers.  We can be tuned-in to noise, other people, or trivial information twenty-four hours a day.  There’s no longer any socially approved time for rest, quit, contemplation, or privacy because we’ve created a world that doesn’t have room for that.  We scrabble around for money, housing, and relationships; we obsess about our health, our appearance, and our families; we attempt to heal ourselves or others in what often seems a futile race against the ravages of time; and we have very little peace.  People as preoccupied and stimulated as we are certainly aren’t going to drop into a meditative or contemplative mood when we slow down; we’ll either collapse into fitful sleep or fall into deep depression and anxiety about all that we haven’t got, don’t know, or didn’t do.  So instead of slowing down, we surf the Net, turn on the TV, or use our favorite addiction or distraction to ignore our need for rest (or our squashed emotions and dreams) in order to keep all of our balls in the air.

Apathy masks our true selves and gets us through the inanities of modern life.  It helps us believe that another car, the right lover, a different job, or the perfect slice of pie will cure us.  Apathy lets us be shallow, and sometimes that’s all we can manage.  Sometimes, all we can do is mask our true feelings and stay on the surface with our meaningless activities.  Our emotionally deadening culture makes us believe that deep empathic living is impossible, as if true feelings or brilliant visions would slow us down unnecessarily or prevent us from meeting the rent, raising the kids, or turning the thankless crank.  That’s not true, of course, but the overriding message in our culture tells us that we can’t stop to feel or dream because we have to keep moving.  In response, we become highly distractible automatons.  This next practice can help us become living, breathing human beings again.

The Practice for Apathy

It’s important to make distinctions between apathy that arises from your unwillingness to rest and apathy that arises from your inability to set boundaries and channel your anger appropriately.  Here’s how to tell the difference.  If you’re filled with apathy right now, honor it, but feed it with a deeper version of what it wants.  Take the reins and become its master, instead of letting it pull you around by the nose.  For instance, if your apathy wants a perfect lover, work on making yourself a valuable love partner instead of passively waiting for some super person to appear.  If your apathy wants a better house, a better car, a better body, or a better wardrobe, put your best critical energy into your current house, car, body, or wardrobe, and make those things better right now.  If you begin to act consciously and deepen the demands of your apathy, you’ll be able to unearth your true issues.  If your apathy is a response to your refusal to rest, this practice will uncover your fatigue and probably some sadness or depression.  Please set your boundary strongly, ground yourself, and replenish yourself by performing your rejuvenation practice as often as you can for a few days (and, of course, rest!).  Also, have yourself checked for a sleep disorder; they are amazingly prevalent and astonishingly under-diagnosed.  If these suggestions don’t relieve your fatigue, or if you drop into depression, please skip forward to the practice for depression…

If your apathy is a mask for anger, this practice will bring your anger forward.  You might feel indignant, perturbed, open to attack, or trapped in your current surroundings.  Please skip back to the anger chapter, set your boundary strongly, burn your contracts ferociously, and protect yourself with the information and intensity your anger brings forward.  If apathy and boredom are habits for you, you may need to perform this practice a few times before you break the cycle – but the cycle will end when you bring your full awareness to it.

It is important to listen to our apathy but not to follow its demands mindlessly, because mindless action only invites more mindless action.  Break the cycle mindfully by answering your apathy and boredom in conscious and honorable ways, but remember that both apathy and boredom act as tourniquets or shut-off valves for your anger and your energy when you’re not in a position to effect change.  If you’re truly unable to affect your surroundings, let your apathy be, and simply deepen your responses to its demands. …

However, if you can effect change, but you’ve been hiding from your responsibilities and diminishing your boundary in the masked state of apathy, please focus and ground yourself.  Ask the questions for apathy: “What is being avoided?” and “What must be made conscious?”  Listen to your answers, peer out from under the mask of apathy, and find out what you’re really feeling.

The Infant/Body Self

I’ve finished reading The Highly Sensitive Person, and can’t recommend it highly enough for anyone–especially people who have felt overly sensitive at times.  I’m pasting in something of particular interest to me below, but for a more in-depth set of gleanings, go to The Highly Sensitive Person, or  read the book for yourself!

Pg 43:  Why the Infant/Body Self?

Think of what the infant and the body have in common.  First, both are wonderfully content and cooperative when they are not overstimulated, worn out, and hungry.  Second, when babies and sensitive bodies really are exhausted, both are largely helpless to correct things on their own.  The baby-you relied on a caretaker to set limits and satisfy your simple, basic needs, and your body relies on you to do it now.  Both also cannot use words to explain their troubles; they can only give louder and louder signals for help or develop a symptom so serious it cannot be ignored.  The wise caretaker knows that much woe is avoided by responding to the infant/body at the first sign of distress.  Finally, as we noted in the last chapter, caretakers who think newborn babies or bodies can be spoiled and should be “left to cry” are wrong.  Research demonstrates that if a small infant’s crying is responded to promptly (except at those times when responding just adds to the overstimulation), that infant will cry less, not more, when older.

Pg 45:  (those HSPs who grew up feeling securely attached…had good resources and could handle overstimulation fairly well)  Eventually, you learned to do for yourself what your good caretakers had been doing for you…You found that your body was a friend to trust.  At the same time, you were learning that you had a special body, a sensitive nervous system.  But you could handle things by learning when to push yourself a little, when to take your time, when to back off entirely, when to rest and try later….Those of you with an insecure childhood also need to face it so that you can be more patient with yourself.  Most important, you need to know what was not done so you can be a different sort of parent to your infant/body.

Pg 46:  When holding is not adequate, when the infant/body is intruded upon or neglected—or worse, abused—stimulation is too intense for the infant/body self.  Its only recourse is to stop being conscious and present, thereby developing a habit of “dissociating” as a defense.  Overstimulation at this age also interrupts self-development.  All energy must be directed toward keeping the world from intruding.  The whole world is dangerous.

Pg 47:  Perhaps you had an overprotective, needy caretaker who really wanted a child very dependent and never able to leave.

Pg 51:  It may help to consider your behavior from the viewpoint of your infant/body.  If it wants to try new things but is afraid, you need to help it, not reinforce the fear.  Otherwise, you are telling it that it really is all wrong about its desires, that it is not fit to survive out there.  That is a crippling message to give a child.  You’ll want to think long and hard about who gave you this feeling in childhood, and why, rather than helping you get out and learn to do things your way.

Pg 58:  When witnessing, imagine standing to one side, watching yourself, perhaps talking about yourself with a comforting imaginary figure.  “There’s Ann again, so overwhelmed she’s falling to pieces.  I really feel for her.  When she’s like this, of course, she can’t see beyond right now.  Tomorrow, when she’s rested, she’ll be all excited again about her work.  She just has to take some rest now no matter what seems to need to be done.  Once she’s rested, it will go smoothly.”

Pg 60:  The Containers in Your Life

Another way to understand all of this advice is to remember how we began this chapter, by appreciating that your infant/body’s earliest and still most basic need is to be held and protected from overstimulation.  On that strong basis, you can go out and explore, feeling secure about that safe harbor of the good caretaker’s arms.

Pg 62:  The Infant/Body’s Message

1)      Please don’t make me handle more than I can.  I am helpless when you do this, and I hurt all over.  Please, please, protect me.

2)      I was born this way and can’t change.  I know you sometimes think something awful must have made me this way, or at least made me “worse,” but that ought to give you even more sympathy for me.  Because either way I can’t help it.  Either way, don’t blame me for how I am.

3)      What I am is wonderful—I let you sense and feel so much more deeply.  I am really one of the best things about you.

4)      Check in on me often and take care of me right at that moment if you possibly can.  Then, when you can’t, I can trust that you are at least trying and I won’t have long to wait.

5)      If you must make me wait for my rest, please ask me nicely if it’s okay.  I’m only more miserable and troublesome if you get angry and try to force me.

6)      Don’t listen to all the people who say you spoil me.  You know me.  You decide.  Yes, sometimes I might do better left alone to cry myself to sleep.  But trust your intuition.  Sometimes you know I am too upset to be left alone.  I do need a pretty attentive, regular routine. But I’m not easily spoiled.

7)      When I’m exhausted, I need sleep.  Even when I seem totally wide awake.  A regular schedule and a calm routine before bed are important to me.  Otherwise, I will lie awake in bed all stirred up for hours.  I need a lot of time in bed, even if I’m lying awake.  I may need it in the middle of the day, too.  Please let me have it.

8)      Get to know me better.  For example, noisy restaurants seem silly to me—how can anybody eat in them?  I have a lot of feelings about such things.

9)      Keep my toys simple and my life uncomplicated.  Don’t take me to more than ne party in a week.

10)  I might get used to anything in time, but I don’t do well with a lot of sudden change.  Please plan for that, even if the others with you can take it and you don’t want to be a drag.  Let me go slow.

11)  But I don’t want you to coddle me.  I especially don’t want you to think of me as sick or weak.  I’m wonderfully clever and strong, in my way.  I certainly don’t want you hovering over me, worried about me all day.  Or making a lot of excuses for me.  I don’t want to be seen as a nuisance, to you or to others.  Above all, I count on you, the grown-up, to figure out how to do all of this.

12)  Please don’t ignore me.  Love me!

13)  And like me.  As I am.

 

 

Surviving Though Motherless

Boundaries 101 – the 5-week course is now officially scheduled at the Columbia Area Career Center.  I’ve just put the finishing touches on the Study Guide, and enrollees will join me in a 5-week course, which will serve as a safe space to learn new skills and practice healthy ways of managing personal power.

Visit the Career Center’s site to enroll or for more information!

Boundary violation happens in so many different ways, it’s hard to know where to start talking about it, and virtually impossible to take complete account of the devestation it causes.  What follows is a short story by an anonomous contributor that describes in profound detail the phenomenon of one form of boundary violation — motherlessness, this case as a result of addiction/mental illness.  I hope it moves you as much as it did me.

Thriving Though Motherless

Some say you never miss what you never had. I suppose. But one of my first memories at around 18 months was of a motherless mother.

I heard a noise in the middle of the night followed by my father’s voice. I distinctly recall his words, “well, look what the cats drug in.” I toddled to the hallway opening, and what I heard and saw next put the glue in memory – a memory that little ones supposedly aren’t capable of.

My mother stepped into the living room as my father held the front door open. Her teethy response was, “shhhh you’ll wake up the g__ d___ kids.” They slipped into the kitchen and chilled the seats at the table. I scrambled to my mother’s lap and became instantly aware that her arms were hanging limp at her side. I looked for her mommy eyes and saw stone. As I glanced over to daddy’s face, I saw a painful look and my tiny eyes traveled back to my mother’s empty stare. I knew then I couldn’t go there for love anymore. I was awakened. I crawled off her lap and walked capably back to bed. That memory ends there, but I see now that she was in a survival mode all her own.

It was not a dream. My first task for survival was to understand the significance of physical changes. My mommy was outside and not inside like she had been before. She was cold like a statue, instead of cooking in the warm kitchen while I sat in my highchair watching her. My diapers were changed by women coming and going. There were other kids. Daddy came home at night.

I wrote a song about it years later as a sort of survival ceremony.  If the song ever comes to mind, i still choke back the tears – but moreso from the outside looking in – at that late epiphanic evening in Lewiston, Idaho.

Thriving can be an unknown concept for traumatized or starving people. Some say moreso for children, but then children can be resilient. I suppose. Whatever.

Fortunately, our father was a loving man. A veteran of front-line World War II. A survivor of death and horror. A seer. But, its hard to see how his new job as a single parent of four-under-six could be less frightening than his first-wave landing on Utah Beach. Another dreaded D-Day. It was 1958 or 9. And one of Sargent Arnold’s little soldiers was injured.

Jeffery might have been a colicky baby, but for whatever reason, he now had a brain injury. One that caused a stir. A divide. A recognition that not all mothers are fit for the job. And in fact, one might be the enemy.

Somewhere between surviving and thankful to be alive, our dad fed, clothed, sheltered and loved us the best he could – through graduations and grandchildren. He remarried after we all left home.  When he died in 1997, I felt my daddy’s-little-girl heart rip right out of my chest. But his love remained.

Wrapped up in survival, a person’s social skills can have jagged edges. And so my three older brothers and I went around jagged for years. Still jagged in places. Two divorces later, Jeff has been married for 18 years to a loving woman who is also handicapped. Two divorces later, Brother #2 is likely to remain single and run his bar and grill for years to come – surrounded by young, implanted girls who will never fill the void. Two divorces later, brother#1 is thinking of “settling” in order to settle down for good. There is a common element in our memories, but our battles were unique. Influenced by age, gender and experiences.

It took a lot of love to make thriving a concept for me to entertain. Tommy to the rescue. For years, I’d threaten to leave. But he never did. We’ve been married over 31 years, and I feel grateful we survived some very rocky roads. After the first five years of marriage and kids, I think I was yelling-mad for ten years nonstop.

We had polarizing issues, and I slowly realized other people like him have baggage too. And sometimes baggages don’t mix well. But we were persistent. Or stubborn. Or tired. And we have grown to appreciate each other more.

We are not the only ones with scars. People all around have stories to tell. Including our children. Some never make it. Others do extremely well. I am hoping.
There have been windows to joy amongst the shards of glass. And glimpses of sunshine. Babies, music, dancing, singing, colors, fresh air, kisses and belly-rolling laughter. And with enough love and persistence, these are tools for thriving. However elusive, they can be mined.
It’s about the moment. About recognizing it’s usually all in the head. It doesn’t matter if someone is laughing at you. They have their own little scars and illusions. They put on their panties the same way as the next person. We fragile-but-durable individuals have as much right to be here as any other individual. Harboring anger and fear keeps the soul and body down, but forgiveness is liberating and calming.

A liberated mind makes the moment amazing. The deeper the scars, the harder one might have to practice. But if the rewiring works and the rubberbands-to-old-thinking can be clipped, life can be like a bicycle ride. You’ll remember the motion, keep on riding and drink in the scenery.

Developmental Tasks

I’m currently preparing for my upcoming course on Boundaries which will be offered at the Columbia Area Career Center – Adult Education Department in the fall.  Here’s some material I’m including in the required reading for the course.  It’s borrowed from Janae and Barry Weinhold’s The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependency – the Other Side of Co-dependency.   I find a lot of love, acceptance, compassion for myself, and relief in reading this stuff, and hope you do too!

 

THE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND ESSENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL

PROCESSES OF INDIVIDUAL EVOLUTION

Stage of

Development

and Primary Task

Essential Developmental

Processes of Individual

Evolution

Suggested Experiences for Completing

The Essential Developmental Processes

of Individual Evolution

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Co-Dependency

(Conception to

Six Months)

Bonding and

Attachment

  • Mother receives good prenatal care and support

 

Child:

  • experiences a non-violent birth with immediate interventions to heal any birth trauma
  • achieves consistent, secure bonding and attachment with mother and/or other adult care-givers
  • learns primal trust in parents through a consistent resonant connection
  • learns emotional resiliency skills
  • creates a secure internal working model of self/other
  • learns healthy emotional communication and social engagement skills with parents and others
  • bonds securely with siblings and extended family
Mother:

  • maintains a high-quality diet and reduces environmental stressors to prevent the risk of cortisol production during pregnancy
  • receives effective postnatal emotional and physical support
  • provides nurturing, respectful touch and eye contact; she gazes at, signs to, and speaks to the child in loving ways

 

Parents:

  • plan for and want the child
  • build prenatal relationship with the child
  • use nonviolent birthing practices
  • nurse and room-in at the hospital and have prolonged skin-to-skin contact between child and each parent in the first 12-24 hours following birth

 

Child:

  • gets timely emotional and tactile comforting to help heal developmental traumas caused by disruptions in resonant connection to parents
  • receives unconditional love from parents
  • receives authentic mirroring and validation of his or her essence from parents

 

Immediate and extended family members:

  • provide consistent, nurturing, and empathic contact
  • provide comfortable and protective environment to meet the child’s needs for safety and survival

 

 

 

THE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND ESSENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL

PROCESSES OF INDIVIDUAL EVOLUTION (continued)

Stage of

Development

and Primary Task

Essential Developmental

Processes of Individual

Evolution

Suggested Experiences for Completing

The Essential Developmental Processes

of Individual Evolution

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Counter-

Dependency

(Six to Thirty-

six Months)

Separation and

Individuation

Child:

  • completes the psy-chological separation process with parents
  • learns to safely explore his or her environment
  • learns to trust and regulate his or her own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in socially appropriate ways
  • internalizes appropriate physical and social limits
  • develops healthy narcissism
  • resolves internal conflicts between oneness and separateness (I’m okay, you’re okay)
  • bonds with self
  • continues to build secure internal working model
  • completes his or her individuation or psychological birth process
Parents:

  • offer timely help in healing any narcissistic wounds or developmental traumas that interfere with resonance
  • give the child permission and support to safely explore his or her environment; they give the child twice as many yeses as nos during this time
  • rearrange environment to provide safety
  • understand and respect the child’s need to develop internal regulation of emotions, especially shame
  • help the child identify self-needs, as opposed to the needs of others
  • model how to directly ask to have one’s needs met
  • use nonshaming responses in limit-setting and discipline
  • give positive support for the child’s efforts to develop an autonomous Self

 

Adult Caregivers:

  • help the child quickly reestablish the resonant connection with the mother when it’s disrupted
  • offer empathy and compassion as the child learns to regulate his or her conflicting emotions, thoughts, and behaviors
  • offer authentic mirroring and validation of the child’s essence
  • offer permission for the child to be a separate individual and to trust his or her internal impulses

 

 

 

THE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND ESSENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL

PROCESSES OF INDIVIDUAL EVOLUTION (continued)

Stage of

Development

and Primary Task

Essential Developmental

Processes of Individual

Evolution

Suggested Experiences for Completing

The Essential Developmental Processes

of Individual Evolution

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Independence

(Three to Six

Years)

Mastery of Self

And Environment

Child:

  • masters self-care
  • masters the process of becoming a functionally autonomous individual, separate from parents
  • masters object constancy
  • develops and trusts his or her own core values and beliefs
  • has secure bonding experiences with nature
  • learns effective social engagement skills
  • develops secure internal working model of self/other
  • bonds securely with peers
Parents:

  • rearrange home environment to support the child’s mastery of self-care(eating, dressing, and toilet training)
  • support the child’s development of effective internal limits and consequences
  • help the child learn appropriate emotional self-regulation and control
  • help the child learn to trust his or her inner sense of wisdom and guidance
  • provide the child with experiences for the safe exploration of nature
  • help the child develop sensory relationships with nature
  • provide for reciprocal social interactions with other children
  • teach cross-relational thinking, including empathy and respect for others
  • help the child develop cause/effect problem-solving skills

 

  • Immediate and extended family members: offer nurturing, supportive, and consistent contact

 

  • Adults model partnership solutions to conflicts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AND ESSENTIAL DEVELOPMENTAL

PROCESSES OF INDIVIDUAL EVOLUTION (continued)

Stage of

Development

and Primary Task

Essential Developmental

Processes of Individual

Evolution

Suggested Experiences for Completing

The Essential Developmental Processes

of Individual Evolution

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inter-

dependence

(Six to Twenty-

nine Years)

Cooperation

and

Negotiation

Skills

Child:

  • learns to cooperate with others
  • learns to negotiate with others to get his or her needs met
  • learns to accept responsibility for his or her personal behaviors and life experiences
  • experiences secure bonding with peers and other adults
  • develops a social conscience
  • bonds securely with his or her culture
  • bonds securely with the planet
  • lives his or her life as an authentic adult
  • bonds securely with own children
  • understands the influence of incomplete developmental processes on his or her life and how to successfully heal developmental traumas
Parents model effective cooperative social engagement skills in couple, family, and peer relationships

 

Child:

  • seeks to learn negotiation skills to get his or her needs met in healthy ways
  • seeks solutions to his or her conflicts that honor the needs of all parties involved
  • seeks adult validation of the importance of keeping his or her relationship agreements
  • seeks an adult model that can teach him or her empathy and compassion for others
  • seeks adults who can teach him or her intuitive language and thinking skills
  • seeks nurturing, supportive, and consistent contact from immediate and extended family members
  • seeks support from parents and other adults on how to build sustainable relationships with other adults and how to find a primary love partner
  • seeks adult input on the values of his or her cultural group and how to overcome any limits imposed by family and culture
  • seeks personal meaning and a personal mission within the context of the “global family”
  • seeks information and skills for healing his or her developmental traumas
  • seeks assistance in developing systemic and transsystemic thinking

 

  • Adults encourage the development of an internalized “safety parent” allowing safe risk-taking behaviors

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four tables borrowed from The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency—the other side of Co-dependency by Janae and Barry Weinhold.

When you find yourself the object of someone else’s addiction

The portion of today’s post that is in italics is taken from Clinton S. Clark ©1993.  I highly recommend that you visit Clinton S. Clark online at The Art of Healing.

Addict Parent

Addict parents are without coping skills for feeling bad, they react or lash out in order to avoid hearing anything that they feel might cause them to “feel bad” As a way to destructively disconnect from the pain they are experiencing (feeling bad), they will try to control the information they are hearing by discounting it.  “It” being the child’s pain which in effect discounts the child’s sense of worthiness to have pain.

An addict parent is basically addicted to controlling, either in the form of controlling themselves (their behaviors and their feelings), and/or controlling other people in the same way.  And controlling information or personal space empowers the addict with feelings of control.  Controlling is a way addict parents “feel better.”

Addicts are said to abuse alcohol and drugs.  Sam will also be abused.  Like a bottle of booze waiting in the liquor cabinet, Sam will wait.  Booze is forgotten about until it’s needed and Sam will be forgotten about until he or she is needed.  If booze becomes difficult to use it is discarded.  When Sam becomes difficult to use he or she will be discarded.  Sam will learn how to function as an inanimate object similar to a bottle of booze.  This will be Sam’s acceptable role in his or her family. It will be a lonely role filled with pain, grief, anger, and rage over being used similar to a bottle of booze.

Keep in mind that Sam’s addict parent is not an evil doer.  An addict cannot consciously see the addiction they are engaged in.  They engage in the behavior because they are terrified of “feeling bad.”  This terror stems from being trained as objects of addiction themselves as children.  And objects of addiction lack the basic developmental coping skills for feeling bad; these coping skills for “feeling bad” were never allowed to develop.  This lack of coping skill creates an overwhelming sense of terror when strong feelings occur.  This is the developmental stigma of being trained as an object of addiction.  And unfortunately, an addict will continue to pass this training onto their children or the next generation in their family.  The cycle will continue form generation to generation until an unexpected event occurs to interrupt the cycle.

In order to keep Sam functioning as an inanimate object of addiction in the family, Sam’s addict parent or parents will have to use some kind of control.  For the addict, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration.  No frustration (or conflict) is equated to security and security equates to happy addict.  As a result of this sociophysiological phenomenon, nothing is more important to an addict than satisfying their interdependent need to maintain a sense of security.  Their object of addiction is important only as long as it accommodates the addict’s need to feel secure. The control techniques or behaviors used by the addict parent to keep their objects of addiction functioning effectively in this interdependent relationship are called “The Addictive Pull.”  The addictive pull is comprised of all the necessary control behaviors, or “destructive control behaviors,” used by the addict to keep an object of addiction functioning like a drug.

Members in a dysfunctional family operate on the same premise.  “You will submit to the control I think I need to have over you or I’ll abandon and beat you up emotionally or physically.”

Addict parents do not respect boundaries.  They have no idea what the concept of boundaries is about.  Setting a boundary for an addict parent creates an immediate hostile and abusive response.  Children raised in dysfunctional families are abused, beaten, or abandoned when they try to keep themselves from being injured or intruded upon by setting a boundary (examples: “Don’t do that you’re hurting me! Or Ow-w-w!…that hurts!”  or “Pl-e-a-s-e…don’t”) This is another part of the terror for children who were raised as objects of addiction.  The addict parent is operating on the assumption that the child is an object of use and therefore does not need to be allowed a sense of safety by allowing boundaries.  A boundary is seen by the addict parent as something that needs to be demolished in order to keep the child functioning as an object of use.

Note: Rebellion is dangerous in dysfunctional families where the child is being used as an object of an addition.  A rebellious child is similar to removing cigarettes from an addict addicted to smoking or removing heroin from an addict addicted to heroin.  The addict’s reaction to a rebellious child will be violent and non-supportive.  Setting a boundary to maintain the protection of oneself is also seen as a rebellious act by addict parents because they see this as keeping them from their addiction of needing to use something or someone to feel better or avoiding feeling bad.

Children who grow up in addiction have high tolerance levels for abuse and scared feelings.  Being abused and feeling scared becomes normal feeling and goes unnoticed or repressed.  Also called stuffing or numbing feelings.

Today’s Bonus borrowed from …In All Our Affairs:

Detachment with love sometimes means loving ourselves enough to suspend blame, fear, guilt and self pity long enough to separate the problem from ourselves, until we can clarify our options and responsibilities, identify how we are contributing to the problem, and let go of the rest.

I was first reminded that for the alcoholic, drinking is not the problem—it’s the solution.  Alcohol had served as the source of his security, courage, and serenity.  Today he is often in a state of panic because he has not yet found other sources for these very real needs….If you do want the marriage, they told me, then accept the fact that you will not get healthy behavior from a sick person or logical statements from an illogical person.

When violence first occurred in my marriage, I truly thought it was my fault and that I should never say or do anything to anger my alcoholic husband.  If I did, I thought he was justified, because in my mind he was always right; therefore I must be wrong.  Because I didn’t want to think badly of him, I just denied that any violence occurred.

Read more Clinton S. Clark at The Art Department

Connection to Self

Quoted from Terrence Real:

 

The first clue of his condition is an absence rather than a presence—an absence of feeling for himself.  Billy tells me that he felt the pathos of his bickering parents but did not feel, and still does not feel, much concern for the young boy who grew up with them.

 

Billy feels his parents’ pain precisely because they do not.  And, burdened with their pain, he has little room left for empathy toward his own…Billy’s lost connection to self suggests that in those nights out with friends or upstairs alone in his room he learned more than simply to cut off from his deepest emotions.  He actively learned to despise them.

 

 

Blurry Sense of Identity (Who’s Pulling Your Strings – Harriet Braiker)

 

Having an unclear sense of your own identity—not knowing where you begin and end, whose needs you feel and fill, and what values are central to your core—is a bookend of manipulation.  On one side, the lack of clear identity predisposes you to being dominated and controlled in manipulative relationships.  And when you become the pawn in other people’s power games, the weaker and more blurred your sense of self becomes.  Here are some examples of blurred identity thinking:

 

  • I have difficulty describing who I really am independent of how other people see me.
  • I do not have a clear sense of myself.
  • I am not sure that I have strong needs or values outside of taking care of other people and making them happy.
  • Sometimes I just feel invisible.
  • I often feel that my identity is absorbed from the beliefs, traits, and values of other people in my life.

 

How to Correct a Blurry Sense of Identity

 

Debugging Guidelines:  Allowing your identity to remain out of focus will keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of vulnerability to and victimization by manipulation.  Correcting soft-target thinking in this area is a matter of asking and answering self-defining “Who am I?” questions.

 

  • How do I see myself?  Compose a self-concept word picture using 20 nouns, adjectives, or short phrases.
  • What are my personal boundaries?  How are you similar and how are you different from your spouse or romantic partner, member of your family, friends, coworkers, and other significant people in your life?  Compare and contrast your needs, personality styles, and character strengths and weaknesses with at least three others.
  • What are my core values?  What moral or ethical principles are most important to you?  What political, social, or cultural attitudes do you hold with conviction and/or passion?
  • What are my spiritual beliefs?  What is your religious faith?  How would you describe your personal spirituality?
  • With whom am I bonded?  What people or relationships form your strongest emotional attachments?  What relationships define your deepest bonds with others?
  • What are my dreams and goals?  What motivates you?  What goals give your lfie a sense of mission or purpose?

 

Gleaned from Al-Anon Literature:

 

Canceling plans and staying home to avoid the consequences of “defying” the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.  Love is nourishing.  It allows each of us to be more fully ourselves.  The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.

 

It is entirely up to us to determine what is acceptable to us and what is not.  Personal limit:  I will leave the party if I feel uncomfortable around other people’s drinking.

Core Needs – Introduction to a Basic Skill

Studying One’s Self – Becoming Intimate with My Wants, Needs, Desires

(Everything in italics has been borrowed from Clinton S. Clark© 1993)  I highly recommend a visit to his site at The Art Of Healing.

My Needs (stable for the most part)

  • Access to food, clean water, sanitation, clothing, shelter, and medical services.
  • Income (for the first need) and the transportation to earn that income.
  • Recovery and the income and transportation to maintain that recovery.
  • School (education)
  • Dreams
  • To say I can choose.
  • To say I love you.
  • To say I’m sorry.
  • To say I need you to help me meet my need.
  • To know that the screw-ups I have are healthy.
  • To hold and to be held.
  • To have approval (in direct and non-controlling ways).
  • To express (expulsion) my “self.”
  • To allow my “self” choices and the possibility of choices that are unknown.
  • To set boundaries (and no explanation is necessary).
  • To allow myself honesty.
  • To say, “I don’t know” when I don’t know.
  • To allow my honesty to be earned and not shared indiscriminately.
  • To practice safe sex.
  • To practice eating as needed and not in a way to stuff or over eat.
  • To stop and clear myself when I’m in chaos or subtle diversion.
  • To detach.
  • To be separate in order to be close.
  • To know that the best I can do is too much (controlling, approval seeking).
  • Acknowledging when I’m hurt.
  • Acknowledging when I’m sore.
  • Acknowledging when my stomach hurts.

My Limits (at the time I have them)

  • The limits I have are not the same as the ability (I have) to do something.
  • I’m unable to change the past.
  • I’m unable to change the future by worrying about it.
  • I have fears.
  • I get tired.
  • I’m unable to control what someone else is thinking of me.
  • I’m unable to forcibly control someone else’s actions without using destructive control behaviors. (to kill spirit)
  • I can’t control another person by being nice and accommodating.

Asking for Needs to be Met

Asking for my needs to be met is more productive using the same non-victim role as with setting boundaries.  As an infant, I had my own infant ways of asking for needs to be met.  As an adult, I have adult ways to ask for my needs to be met.  Clarity is important.  Over-explaining the reason for my needs is control for approval’s sake.  I can choose not to control by explaining.

There is fear in asking for my needs to be met.  My needs were shamed or discounted as a child.  That fear of shaming or discounting generates hostility in my conversation style.  The hostility is projected onto the listener.  In return, they become hostile in order to protect themselves or become submissive in order to protect themselves.  Either way, the listener will resent the interaction.

I can choose to approach my needs in a non-victim style (non-victimstance).  I find a more nurturing result more often.  I state my fear of asking up front and not hide it in a hostile conversation.

Examples:

  • “I’m afraid of asking for _________________”
  • “I’m afraid of not knowing how to ask for ______________”
  • “I’m learning how to ask for my needs to be met.  I need your patience while I learn.”

Some basic needs statements

I need ______________________________________.

  • To eat.
  • A drink of water.
  • To go to the rest room.
  • To get some different clothes, a jacket, etc (to stay warm, dry, etc.).
  • To go to the doctor.
  • To throw-up.
  • A place to stay.
  • A job.
  • A loan.
  • To borrow some money.
  • A ride.
  • To get gas.
  • To have my car repaired.
  • Help.
  • To go to a meeting.
  • To know if….
  • To know if you like me.
  • To know if anyone else feels this way.
  • Your approval.
  • To rest.
  • A hug.
  • A kiss.
  • To be held.
  • To be with people.
  • To say I’m sorry.
  • To say that for myself.
  • To do this.
  • To talk.
  • To know if you have time to listen.
  • To do this myself.
  • To go slow.
  • To keep this confidential.
  • Your patience.
  • You to know that I love you.
  • To know if you’re being honest with me.
  • To know if you are mad at me.
  • To know if you love me.
  • To know if you expect something from me that I don’t know about.
  • To leave.
  • To stay a while.
  • A back-rub.
  • Your friendship.
  • You to back off.
  • You to slow down.
  • To work something out with you.

If I consistently ask for a need to be met, and it’s not being met, I need to go elsewhere.  I accept that my needs are important.  I accept that my needs are my needs and my responsibility.  My needs are not someone else’s responsibility.  My needs are not a guessing game for someone else.  And, my needs are not the perception that someone else has of them.

Whatever the needs statement be, I practice being clear, direct, non-victim, non-whining, and non-controlling.  I can choose to “ask” before I decide that my needs won’t be met.  I accept that asking for my needs to be met and getting them met are different.  I won’t be able to get my needs met in one place.

I am all that I am at the time that I am

Acknowledging without control that:

“I am all that I am at the time that I am”

is another way to nurture and reparent myself.  I am all my likes, my dislikes, my needs, my limits, my choices, my thoughts, my opinions, my double binds, my feelings, etc.  Without fear of injury, I am all that I am at the time that I am.

Gleaned from Al-Anon Literature

HALT When we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we have needs that require our attention, needs that may be preventing us from acting in a positive, affirming way.

When a man reconsiders performance-based esteem, when he reaches into his own heart to unearth and form a relationship with the emotional parts of himself, when he takes on responsibilities for psychological self-care as well as the psychological care of others, he breaks with the terms of traditional masculinity. –Terrence Real

The Narcissist’s Strategy for Dealing with Unmet Needs

Based on their implicit and explicit memories of unmet childhood needs, many narcissists develop the notion that such needs will never be met later on in life.  This fear is at the root of the narcissist’s flimsy and unanimated attachments to others.  He compensates for the fear of not having his needs met through a well-executed excessively autonomous style.  This combination of fear and overcompensation also leads to a lack of intimacy with himself, avoiding self-knowing.  –Wendy T. Behary

We learn not to ask for what we need during the first three years of life.

Emotional Bullshit:

Self-Care is both a tool and an ongoing skill.  Using it as a tool will help you make a quick decision that might avert a problem even in the most difficult moments, or avoid outright disaster.  Developing Self-Care as an ongoing skill will enable you to promote your best interests in the numerous situations that make a colossal difference in the quality of your life and your relationships.

To be narcissistic means you focus solely on your own pleasure, ignoring or discounting the needs of others.  But fulfilling a Core Need means fully understanding and fulfilling your responsibilities to both yourself and others.  It’s actually the opposite of being selfish—it means taking care of your personal business so that you have the emotional energy and awareness to be able to focus on others.  Keeping your word, doing what you say you’re going to do, completing the tasks you have taken on, are clearly in your long-term best interest.  It is a fact of life that many of the responsibilities we have to ourselves enable us to create a healthy environment for other people to live with us in community…If you’re in a relationship taking care of your Core Needs means that you maintain a nurturing and balanced environment for your self as well as for the other person.  So be assured that taking care of your Core Needs is not at all narcissistic.  In fact, it is the height of responsibility and maturity.  It’s a total win-win.

Terrence Real

As a small boy he had stepped into the vacuum left by his depressed father.  Little Joe became, in many ways, his mother’s emotional husband, his father’s business partner, his siblings’ father. The only person’s needs Joe learned to ignore were his own.

Instinct Injury and How it Happens

How does a person become instinct injured, and lack the ability to set and communicate clear boundaries?  Here are some excerpts from Clinton S. Clark © 1993 (in italics) that I find extremely helpful in setting the groundwork for implementing this new skill set.  Setting boundaries is a skill that we did not learn as children.  And there is a good reason this is so.  While reading the following, keep in mind that we use the term “addiction” and “codependent” very loosely, covering a wide range of behaviors, and not from a position of judgment, but rather as a scientist would examine a new species of tropical plant.  With a little bit of distance (objectivity) you stand to gain a new understanding of the family disease of addiction, and begin to understand how its poison has been passed undetected from one generation to another.  The good news is that we can learn to recognize it, understand how it works, and make subtle changes in our own behavior and attitudes to stop the transmission and the pain.  But like anything else, this is a process.  One cannot expect to change a lifetime of beliefs and habits overnight.  So please be gentle.  Find more Clinton S. Clark at The Art Department.

In order for Sam’s addict parent to be happy, Sam must assume the same role as the booze.  That is to say, that as long as Sam remains easy to use, like the booze, Sam’s parent will be happy.  And as long as Sam’s parent is happy, Sam will feel safe and acceptable.

In this way, the child learns from the parent’s example that caring for one’s self is the job of another.  In this case, caring for the addict parent is the responsibility of the child.

A codependent is a control addict who is obsessed with controlling and compulsively tries to control.  They’re unable to cope with the terror of their own feelings, so they try to control the feelings and actions of other people.

Codependents are connected in an unhealthy way to the people and even the objects in their environment.  They constantly react as if there was some invisible and painful cord connecting them to other people.  This makes it almost impossible for them to listen without becoming reactionary.  Talking with a codependent may leave you feeling hurt and empty or like you haven’t been heard at all.  Chances are, you haven’t been heard.

My daughter might say to me, “I don’t like going to school.”  My reactionary response to her might be something like, “Don’t be silly, your friends are at school so just get going to school now.”  By calling her “silly” I’ve discounted her feelings.  Now, not only does she feel bad about going to school, but she feels bad about feeling bad.  I do this because I’m uncomfortable with her feelings.  I am codependent with her; attached to her in some unhealthy and invisible way.

Children who have addict parents are forced to forfeit their relationship with their addict parent in favor of the addiction.  The addiction is stronger than the child.  Even though the child is an object of addiction, the addiction takes precedence.  By that I mean, from an outside view (a view from outside the family) it will appear that the child is receiving attention, when in fact, it is the addiction itself (the child as an object of addiction) which is receiving the attention and not the child as a sentient being.

Playing the Victim

Playing the Victim is an extremely effective technique used to control someone (especially children).  The addict parent controls the child’s behavior by becoming the so-called wounded victim.  The child might say or do something that the addict parent becomes uncomfortable with.  In reaction to the child’s behavior, the addict parent responds by saying something like this:

(said from an angry victimstance)

  • “How could you do that to your mother?”
  • “Mommy thinks you don’t love her anymore.”
  • “You don’t care about me at all, do you?”
  • “You’re hurting mommy.  You’re driving her crazy and no one will be able to take care of you then!”

This destructive control behavior uses false guilt to control the child.  When the addict parent plays the victim, the child looks inward and thinks: “How could I do that to my parent…She (or He) looks so hurt and sounds so angry or depressed…She’s (or He’s) talking and looking at me; therefore I must have caused her (or his) pain…I’d better be good so I don’t hurt her (or him) any more…she’s (or he’s) the only one I have to take care of me and the alternative of taking care of myself scares me to death, because that’s impossible for myself as a child to do.  I could die.  I’m sure I’d die.

The goal of an addict who is addicted to their child is to “feel better” by controlling the child.  As stated before, control is equated to compliance and compliance is equated to no frustration.  No frustration or conflict is equated to security and security equates to happy addict.  Unfortunately, children of addict parents grow up full of false guilt or shame as a result of being trained by the addict parent’s use of playing the victim.  They (the children) automatically feel guilty, terrified, and anxious when they come in contact with anyone playing the victim.

Children who are trained to be objects of an addiction receive the following message from their addict parents (from addict to child):

I’m not OK, when …. You’re not

 

Translation:  I have no coping skills for feeling bad or tolerating strong emotions (mine or yours).  If I’m around you when you are having needs, setting boundaries or otherwise being yourself, I believe you to be the source of my pain.  I can’t allow you to be yourself if I feel bad in the process.

Unfortunately, a child does not have the benefit of insight into this translation.  He or she only knows that their addict parent is not ok when they (the child) are not ok.  The child then rationalizes that:

If the addict parent is not ok, who is going to take care of me?

In response to this rationale, they believe that by being ok enough, their addict parent (their provider) will be ok enough to take care of them.  The alternative as seen by the child is death (Whitfield, 1988).  They think, “If I don’t take care of my addict parent by being ok, they are not going to be able to take care of me (because they won’t be ok enough to do so).  And, if they aren’t ok enough to take care of me, I could die.  I am not old enough or knowledgeable enough to take care of myself.”

This is the terror.

This is the helplessness.

This is the anger, rage, and pain.

Codependents [learn to] blame other people for how they feel.  Obviously, if a codependent is attached to you, they are going to blame you for how they feel.  They’ve been trained to believe that their feelings are the results of other people’s actions and feelings.

Children of addict parents learn that in order to stay accepted in their family they must remain easy to use, and be without boundary (do nothing to frustrate the addict).  Children of addict parents learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; which means to become compliant and without needs, or suffer the consequences of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs.

This phenomena is also described by Whitfield (1989) and Cermak (1986) as “psychic numbing.”  Children raised as objects of addiction are under attack or the threat of attack throughout the duration of their childhood and sometimes beyond.  They are like combat soldiers waiting for an attack to occur.  Cermak (1986) writes that during periods of extreme stress, such as an attack or the waiting for an attack to occur (the threat of death, injury, and the feeling of being unable to flee), “combat soldiers are often called upon to act regardless of how they are feeling.  Their survival depends upon their ability to suspend feelings in favor or taking steps to ensure their safety.”  This is a characteristic of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD.  In the case of children trained to be objects of addiction, you might say that they were forced into fighting a war without weapons to protect themselves and they were unable to see the enemy.  This is one of the reasons why so many children of dysfunctional families withdraw into isolation.  It’s the last resort in fighting an unseen enemy and fighting an enemy without a weapon of defense.  You might say that this [material] is an exposure of the enemy by exposing the attack methods, i.e., the destructive control behaviors that hurt.

As objects of addiction, these children have psychologically trained their feelings to become unavailable to them as a way to cope with repeated attacks or the threat of attack.  As a result of this, their feelings have become so unavailable to them that they subsequently become emotionally and cognitively unaware of an attack at the time it occurs.

Common effects of growing up in this kind of environment:

  • Fear of other people’s judgment resulting in chronic procrastination.
  • Having no limits in response to not feeling good enough.
  • Trying to “people please” or seek approval of others.
  • Negatively judging other people as a way to distract one’s self from one’s intolerable emotions.
  • Blaming others for how they feel.
  • Feeling uneasy or suspicious when receiving compliments or gifts.

In the case of me, in my addictive patterns, here is how it works for my daughter.  Over time, it will become painfully apparent to her that her actions and feelings will somehow trigger me.  She will become a “people pleaser” to avoid having to deal with my reactions to her.  She knows she can’t be herself without me reacting to her, so she becomes what she thinks I want her to be.  This is how children of [addicts and] codependents learn to survive.  They can’t be themselves so they become what they think will keep them from getting hurt.

She’ll learn how to control other people by being a “people pleaser.”  She’ll become very good at guessing how I feel and very poor at knowing how she feels.  Her focus will become directed towards other people outside of herself.  She’ll obsessively try to figure out what everyone else needs and not be able to figure out what she needs.  And if someone resents her for trying to take care of their needs without being asked, she will become angry and resentful because it scares her not to take care of someone else.

 

 

References

Cermak, Timmen L. “Diagnosing & Treating Co-Dependence: A Guide for Professionals who Work with Chemical Dependents, Their Spouses, and Children” Johnson Institute, Minneapolis, MN. 1986.

Whitfield, Charles L. “Healing The Child Within” Audio Cassette.  Health Communications, Inc. Taped live U.S. Journal Training Conference.  Chicago.  June 1988.

Whitfield, Charles L. “Healing The Child Within” Health Communications, Inc. 1989.