Read the full online article here.
Category: body-mind
It’s A Body Thing
There’s something the body does that reflects what the nervous system does – a reflex, in response to a trigger. I’d like to explore this with you. When a person encounters a trigger, the body closes. What I seem to be noticing with myself and my clients is a popular trigger called “ALLOWING A PART OF MYSELF TO BE SEEN THAT I WASN’T SURE I WANTED TO SHARE.” Since for many of us, opening up emotionally has been so unsafe in the past, it can understandably be really frightening, and before you even know what’s happening, the body reflexively closes.
This is really important because it’s in those moments that we do connect – that we have connected without our defenses up – that the brain is re-wired. Whenever the body is guarded and only the intellect is open and engaged, no rewiring gets done. It’s just kind of the same old same old.
And so the thing that just occurred to me now is that when a person tells a story over and over again as if they hadn’t already told it to that person, they are temporarily disconnected from the memory that this actually was a shared telling; this was a valuable, precious shared event, and that the person you are telling it to would actually remember that. So you are disconnected from the experience of having shared a moment of connection and being heard together. The wires are down. It’s almost like the fact that we shared it can “disappear.” Just like that, our most powerful resources can disappear when we are triggered. The good thing is that we can learn to reconnect. Reconnecting involves being aware of and relaxing the body (including the nervous system). Don’t worry. It isn’t as hard as you might think.
You have abundant resources. They’re all around you and they are also right there in your brain. But, as you have probably seen or experienced, survivors of early relational trauma have learned to disconnect from things they feel and know. It’s part of what the body does in survival mode.
I came across a really interesting thing in a YouTube video called The Shoe. Maybe you saw it on Facebook. If you watch the body language of this kid actor, which the director catches so powerfully, you can see it for yourself. It’s a visual representation of that shift that happens: from when the boy is snarling in disgust and frustration with the broken shoe at about 1.3 and then he sees the other boy his age with new shoes. At 1.33-1.37 his body opens and you can see him shift from isolation – his own miserable, impoverished world – to a place of allowing, where he can see the things around him. He can see what is happening with other people, and empathize with their experience. In this case, this ability to empathize ultimately leads to a brand new pair of shoes and this powerful (if brief) exchange with the other boy. The boy doesn’t have the layers and layers of repeated trauma and loss that an adult can, so the shift happens readily. This shift is possible for all of us when we learn how to put down our defenses; when we learn to physically relax. When we can, we automatically reconnect with all the resources available to us in this moment now.
Interpersonal events are amazing things, and there is just so much that is communicated below the level of our conscious minds. I have been learning that if I can keep my primary focus on my own body, I can make use of the complex wiring systems that have served to make us mammals the wildly successful, sociable creatures we are. If I instead pay attention to what’s happening to you (what I can see and comprehend with my eyes), I have a much more limited and mind-oriented framework to operate from.
Paying attention to the emotional state of others has been my default, but that – thank goodness – has begun to change in the past several years. Staying with and tending to my own sensations in the moment give me much more valuable information. Here is an example. I work with clients who have triggers, naturally. And I have had moments with clients where I can see that they are suddenly triggered. Incidentally, being face to face with someone who disconnects from me emotionally, can be a trigger for me. But as I learn to manage triggers, there is more of me available to just watch, and not get carried away by the emotion and the story and the personal memory of the trigger.
I am remembering a particular time in which I am face to face with a client who has just been triggered by me, and I notice myself kind of freezing up, and I notice that I’m not able to communicate with a relaxed, open, spontaneous heart anymore. I notice that what I say or do after that just sort of comes from my head, awkwardly, which neither of us can access with the heart, and my client can’t hear anyway because they’re suddenly all closed up and protected.
In life, and in therapy, it is a good practice to reach for those moments where we are able to feel safe enough to open; those moments when we truly connect. Maybe we won’t even consciously acknowledge them when we are in them, but we can certainly look back and say, mmhm….I was open then.
This makes me remember a time when I was in grad school when I felt safe enough to open up with a particular professor. I had reached out to her due to her specialty in domestic violence. It was in a moment of trusting and hopefulness that I reached out – and from a place of newly identifying as a victim of domestic violence.
It was obvious to everyone that this professor had a great passion for teaching DV. I had reached out to her in that moment of unguardedness and shared myself, my personal interest in DV and how happy I was that she was teaching this course, and then I drew back. I hadn’t retreated or closed up consciously. But looking back, I certainly had closed myself off to further interactions with her. Maybe it was because I had shared a part of me that I was not accustomed to sharing. For whatever reason, I pulled way back, and at the end of my school experience, that professor pointed out that I had opened up to her and then closed up again.
That she had noticed it really touched me. I felt kind of disappointed in myself for closing to a potential mentor/ally/connection, but my pulling back had been a reflex, not a conscious decision; a reflex based on an unexamined trigger.
At that point I probably didn’t have the tools to stay safely connected. This was also the professor I went to at the late stages of working on my final project and broke down in her office because I needed help and she wasn’t helping me in the way that felt helpful. I didn’t even know how to ask for the help I needed except to say I had no idea how to finish a particular section of my paper/project. It was the policy piece in the realm of teen pregnancy prevention. I had been reading about policy but I had virtually no real-world information or experience from which to draw. This was my final project and I hadn’t the foggiest idea how to talk about changing legislation or influencing public policy. I didn’t know enough about government; I was clueless about how to talk about it. And she couldn’t really help me because what I “needed” was for her to write the damn thing for me. So I broke down right there in her office, and I was either crying or near tears, and I stumbled out, confused, overwhelmed, disconnected, disappointed.
I pulled through and I patched it together, but it was an excruciating moment and I never did connect again with her about this and in the process I learned something about myself that I am reflecting on now.
All this has to do with a physical reflex. It’s not something that one does to manipulate or punish another person. It’s not stubbornness or stupidity (I can’t vouch for everyone out there; people can really only know their own experience and motives). But as we learn about what is physically happening, we can more readily recover, stay in the present moment and make empowered choices. When we can do this, we can also begin to understand that vulnerable emotions are fairly universal, though the disabling and alienating impulse to hide them is virtually as universal in our modern, Western culture.
If you can identify with this, it is quite possible that you, too, have experienced such a neurological event. If you have, you are in the right place to learn more about it. Begin to notice when it happens without judgment. Notice that it passes – it always does. Do what you can to learn about how the nervous system works in trauma and under stress. Pay attention to your own experience. Eventually you can learn to recognize when it’s happening so that you are more able to stand back and observe your feelings instead of being overwhelmed or hijacked by them. One day it will even be natural to share vulnerable emotions with others in responsible, attachment-enhancing ways. Slow and steady. Gentleness and curiosity will serve you so much better in this realm than perfectionism or high expectations. And mentors and teachers are to be had if you know where to look.
The emotional work that you are being invited to do has to do with what Bessel van der Kolk and Steve Porges are talking about. It’s noticing the moments when we do feel safe enough to open and connect (with ourselves and others); it’s acknowledging those moments – the moments when you let yourself be seen and you feel that you can let your guard down and your body physically relaxes. That is when life turns around and you can operate from a place of presence, true empathy and compassion. Reach for more of those moments.
Self Abuse and the Inner Drama Triangle: Learning to Parent Yourself Well
What is the Drama Triangle, and how does it tie in with early relational trauma and embodiment?
When children witness the Drama Triangle being played by their family members in childhood, and it becomes their model for relating, they miss out on opportunities to develop healthy relational skills, and real problem solving skills and this chaotic dynamic becomes the Inner Blueprint for dealing with stress. The Weinholds say that the Drama Triangle is the primary cause of childhood trauma, and I’m with them. “For children who experience or watch this dynamic, their brains file situation-specific pictures, words, thoughts and feelings related to Drama Triangle experiences. This is the core definition of Trauma.” Plenty of research is also showing that early childhood stress and unmet relational needs are the foundation for trauma in general, but I’ll talk more about that in a later post.
When an individual of any age lives in an environment that the Drama Triangle creates, the nervous system responds by flooding the system with stress hormones which effectively put the body on the ready for fight or flight. Disconnecting from one’s feelings is commonly a part of this response. And since there is no “end to the crisis” in sight (in the absence of the skills needed to exit the Drama Triangle) the body does not return to its relaxed, post-crisis state, and natural resolution to the crisis does not occur.
It takes willingness, awareness, and commitment to acquire the skills necessary to help the body return to its natural state of equilibrium. And removing the violence and chaos that the Drama Triangle creates are the important first steps.
I am so pleased to announce:
This Online Course is based on the Drama Triangle and how it can play out inside us (with the different parts of the triangle represented by different parts of us in our minds: The Victim, The Rescuer & The Persecutor). This 6-week course will break the Drama Triangle down into simple terms so that it can be more easily understood. The skills you take away are designed to help stop inner abuse and self sabotage in its tracks.
During the course, participants will learn how to replace the Drama Triangle with its magical counterpart, the Empowerment Dynamic, to help overcome early relational trauma. They will also gain a framework for better knowing when and how to trust themselves, which naturally impacts knowing when and how to safely trust other people.
Depending on your level of enrollment, you can take the course alone, receive two one-hour Skype sessions to support your work, or purchase the Deluxe Bundle which includes two one-hour personal coaching sessions and e-mail support between sessions.
The class includes a series of lessons, visual diagrams, quizzes, assignments, a sharing forum, and other materials to supplement learning, facilitate growth, heal early relational trauma and remove barriers to the forging of safe and lasting connections.
Fill out this brief survey if you’d like to know more.
Microbiome Summit 2016 – Repost
Hello friends! I want to share with you some gleanings from a virtual Microbiome Summit I attended last spring. As much as I would have liked to spend more time with each speaker, other activities and obligations did not allow this, so I took advantage of the abbreviated version, and wanted to share with you what I found. As usual, what I loved about this summit was that each speaker had a personal story and a personal journey, and discovering the microbiome was a very vital and exciting part of it. Primarily, this post includes the name of the speaker, the name of the talk, and three bulleted ideas that summarize the talk. I also include a URL so you can find them yourself, online. In some cases, I added quotes and personal observations. I was doing this at the beginning, and with speakers who I found particularly interesting – though anyone who works in this field is instantly my best friend. With Deepak Chopra, I was not able to listen to the entire interview, which made me very sad, but I think you get the gist. It was amazing, and I hope this inspires you to nurture your microbiome, and look to your entire miraculous and ingeniously designed system as so much more than you ever imagined before.
| Microbiome in your Mouth – Gerry Curatola, DDS RejuvDentist.com Oral and overall health statistic: Over 80% of his patients have gum disease. The ecology of the mouth is so important. For centuries we have been following an unfortunate strategy with regard to hygiene products. For instance, we have pesticides in our toothpaste (because 100 years ago, we learned that germs were bad). In fact, the bacteria in our mouth evolved to help keep us alive. Gerry Curatola has been researching the oral microbiome for 17 years. According to him, our mouth needs to be rebalanced, not nuked. There is actually no such thing as a “bad” bacteria. Context is everything. In the right place, potentially pathogenic bacteria become health-promoting bacteria. Bacteria in the mouth help keep us alive. If we were successful in getting rid of plaque, we’d be in big trouble. We can prevent illness by balancing the oral microbiome. People with gum disease have ten times the risk of heart attack. Gum disease is the body’s #1 source of chronic low-grade inflammation.
Not realizing it’s going on. There is a silent alarm bell going off. Your body is in a continuous stress response that is awakening the immune system. Signs: · Gums bleed · Aches and pains in the body · Bad breath · Inflammatory Markers in the blood Over 80% of the American adult public have some stage of gum disease. Even if your gums are healthy you can have an unhealthy oral microbiome. If you think about it, Gerry points out, soap was invented 100 years ago by soap makers. It contains Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, a known irritant to the body. This was justified and understandable because of the recent discovery that washing hands in the hospital saved the lives of many in obstetrics. But we have not updated our ideas about the body and how it works, and there is a predominating germ phobia that has resulted in a compulsive drive to eradicate germs. In killing germs, we are disrupting a healthy microbiome and interfering with a healthy immune system. Dr. Curatola is opposed to fluorination of toothpaste and drinking water. Go to his website at revitin.com to see where he bases this opinion. Negative effects of fluoride in the body: · Lower IQ · Disruption in thyroid function We should adopt an “Organic Gardening” approach in the mouth, pruning instead of eradicating. Definitely need to discontinue using detergent-based products. Dr. Curatola says that you can improve your dental health by: 1. Alkalize Diet 2. Exercise/Fitness (running, etc) 3. Control Stress (meditate/pray, etc)
Signs of stress in the mouth: · TMJ · Grinding teeth · More cavities · Gum inflammation Flow, movement is so important for healing. This is why exercise (get the blood and lymph flowing) us so important. Also recommends Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10), Vitamin C, Cell Salts (Homeopathy). Says that Florine promotes remineralization when you use it in micro-doses. In large doses, it makes teeth and bones brittle. “Bad bacteria” are just “pissed off” bacteria. They are there to protect us from dangerous foreign bacteria. Improve mouth ecology: · Prebiotic approach o CoQ10 o Vitamins (E,A,C) o Folic Acid o Selinium · Restore Homeostasis · Targeted Nutrition · Work with a Practitioner Bloating is a sign that you have a chronic problem. Teeth whitening systems can be very harmful. They can denature DNA of your cells, and lead to oral cancer. If you want to get them whitened, get them done by someone who knows what they are doing. Other things you can do to restore homeostasis in your mouth include gargling Himalayan salt (a couple teaspoons of saturated solution every morning. Strawberries can whiten your teeth. Weleda. Auromere. Clean out your medicine cabinet. Nutrition is the cornerstone. Exercise and fitness. Manage stress (balance mind, body, and spirit). |
| Kara Fitzgerald, ND A Key Player in the Microbiome: The Skin http://www.DrKaraFitzgerald.com
With a background in Nutritional Biochemistry, Kara is a Functional Medicine Practitioner. She practices integrative medicine. She says that the bacteria in our system “are probably running the show more than we are.” She spends a lot of her time treating people that the medical system can’t help, with allergic diseases. Kara finds herself working with clients around the microbiome and immunity. · Constant communication between these two · Dissolution of tolerance · Food allergies/intolerances · Genetics and epigenetics She says that things go awry, leading to allergic response, and that there is a great deal of crossover between the gut phyla and skin phyla. Problems occur when there is a breakdown in the epidermal barrier. Rashes and chronic skin diseases are very often a result of products we use. “We want to nourish and nurture our microbiome,” she says. “We want to love our microbiome. And we need to treat our skin’s microbiome the same way.” She says we should slather ourselves with probiotics. We can love the skin microbiome by: · Using dairy-free yogurt · Topical probiotics (kefir) What we take internally affects the outside. When you have a skin condition, there is some kind of dysregulation of the microbiome (dysbiosis). Eczema, fatigue, and bacterial imbalances are all symptoms of this. Kara says there is no need for the use of steroids in such situations. Probiotics she recommends for the skin include: · Bifido bacteria · Lactobacillus · Cosmoceuticals Hand eczema, she says, often has a gene influence. She recommends a probiotic wrap with a coconut oil base. You can also sprinkle a probiotic into that. Chapped lips also signals dysbiosis in the small intestine. · AmmoniaOxidizing Bacteria AOBiome.com · Stop using hygiene products (spritz, don’t shower) · Repopulate native flora · Reduce ammonia levels (a lower pH supports a healthier biome Acne and dermatitis can be treated by tending to the microbiome. Kara says that the average American showers too much, and that we aren’t exposed to dirt enough. We have become hygiene excessive. The skin microbiome protects us, our organs, systems, overall health. The Skin Microbiome · The bugs are deep in the dermal tissue, and they help regulate the immune system · They are in the adipose and the dermis · Commensal Bacteria – mutualistic (dampens immune response) · Ceramides – topical application of probiotics can reduce the signs of aging She cites a study done with baby mice, and the development of their immune systems. What they found was that there is a certain developmental stage, or a window of time, when an organism learns that the organisms around it are safe. When kids aren’t exposed to enough, their ability to tolerate things is sacrificed. We should avoid exposure to antibiotics if at all possible. Gut-Skin Connection · Whole-person care · Filaggrin (protein) mutations (genetic) · Dietary impacts · Environmental impacts Fatty Acids Fish Oil Stop eating Gluten Live in a humid environment Sometimes it’s just limited to the skin. Nothing unhealthy is going on in your gut. Progressive Lab Tests to Evaluate Microbiome · A little Lps is protective (signals tolerance) · Organic Acids · D-arabinitol – alcohol produced by candida (yeast) · D-lactate – indicates whether you can tolerate probiotics You can test for carbohydrate imbalances, celiac and other problems. |
| David Perlmutter, MD The Microbiome’s Influence on Your Brain http://www.drperlmutter.com·
Connection between inflammation and disease · How to reestablish gut lining · Dietary changes and healing the microbiome Board Certified Neurologist The information base is exploding. The microbiome plays a role in neurological function. Functional Neurology · Symptom vs disease management · Root Cause resolution practices for Alzheimer’s, ADHD, Parkinson’s Obesity, Diabetes, etc. · Alzheimer’s and Autism · Nutrition and inflammatory cascades The brain like any other organ is influenced by the body’s chemistry (our diet) Diet influences inflammation. Inflammation in the body indicates inflammation in the brain. It originates in the gut. The genesis of inflammation: · Starts in the gut · Gut permeability · Leaky gut factors · Gut bacteria enters the surrounding tissues When you go out to dinner, think about what your microbiome wants to eat. In fact, our microbiome dictate what we want to eat. The lens we see the world through is filtered by the microbiome. How are we traumatizing the microbiome? · Dramatic antibiotic overuse · Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs · Exposure to toxins Ways we can reverse or remedy this: · Fermented foods · Prebiotic Fiber o Jicama o Dandelion greens o Garlic o Onions o Asparagus o Leeks o Artichokes · Fecal transplants Butyrate improves blood brain barrier, like the gut lining. Neurological Disorders/Problems and Gut Problems are one and the same. The brain and gut are a continuous organ. Most people think of their “selves” from the neck up. We’re as much in the gut and heart as we are in the brain. |
| Martha Herbert, MD, PhD Pediatric Neurologist and Brain Development Researcher
· Interaction between your gut and brain ecology · Improving brain function and eliminating toxins · Role of lymphatic and immune systems · Linking ecosystems Dr. Herbert says that GMOs wreak havoc on the gut because of the use of herbicides and pesticides used in their cultivation. She says they punch holes in the intestinal lining, activating the immune system, causing inflammation. She says to repair the gut lining we have to cut out the GMOs and add: · High Quality Fish Oil · Vitamin D3 (take with Vitamin K) · Vitamin B Complex |
| Max Lugavere How to Improve your Neurological Health Maxlugavere.tumblr.com
· Preventing cognitive decline or “Bread Head” · Supplement and vitamin recommendations to improve brain function · The cause of growing rates of Alzheimer’s disease |
| Natasha Campbell-McBride, MD Medical Sciences in Neurology
· Dietary challenges to influence anxiety, depression, stress and brain fog · Steps to healing your gut: GAPS Diet · Recommended supplements to naturally improve mental health Dr. Natasha says that each person has unique dietary needs. And that any diet needs to be tailored to your unique needs. Also, your metabolism changes all the time, depending on so many things, including ancestry, genetic makeup, stress levels, physical demands, etc. · pH · sympathetic/parasympathetic balance · electrolyte balance · weather/season · whether you’re tired or rested How do you know? We can use our senses: · desire · smell · taste · satisfaction “What would I kill for right now?” All senses should be involved. Babies smear food on their faces, etc. This has an adaptive function. Dr. Natasha also says that we’re all addicted to foods, particularly carbohydrates. She recommends the use of: · Meat Stock · Non-starchy Vegetables (exclude vegetables from the potato family) o Yams o Leeks o Cabbage o Broccoli o Squash · Fermented foods Introduce eggs and other foods that are more difficult to digest as the body can tolerate them. Such a diet will result in marked improvements of anxiety and depression. She says that the toxicity that results from dysbiosis makes its way to the brain. She says that if you have a mental illness, this is an indicator that your brain is under autoimmune attack. She explains that depression and anxiety results from a lack of neurotransmitters, almost 100% of which are manufactured in the digestive system. 1. Serotonin – Happy Neurotransmitter 2. Dopamine – Motivational Neurotransmitter (get up and go conquer the world) 3. Gaba – Keeps us in the correct balance When digestive system isn’t healthy, it can’t produce enough neurotransmitters. Dr. Natasha says that we need to have a diet high in animal fat · Pork fat · Duck fat · Sour cream · Butter · Ghee · All animal fats |
| Julie Matthews, CNC How Beneficial Bacteria Can Help Children with Autism
· Differences in pathogenic bacteria levels in children with Autism. · Recommended foods for an individualized diet · Fundamental nutrition principles for children with autism |
| Leo Galland, MD The Allergy Solution for a Healthy Microbiome www.mdheal.org
· The difference between treating disease and treating people · The effects of inflammation on your microbiome · Role of the “healer” and “healee” in the healing process |
| Amy Myers, MD Taking Control of your Autoimmune Disorder www.amymyersmd.com
· Major myths about autoimmune disorders · Connection between mold and your overall health · Role of stress, even in the world of functional medicine |
| Deepak Chapra How Thoughts, Feelings and Environment Influence Gene Expression http://www.deepakchopra.com
· How your body is a process that can be changed through consciousness · “Speaking the language” of your cells and microbiome · Impact of emotions on your microbiome Mind and matter are inseparably one. Matter is an experience in consciousness. Where is that consciousness? · Sensation · Image · Feeling · Thoughts The entire universe is an experience in consciousness. Mind and matter are subtle modulations of consciousness (an unknown variable). Modern medicine does not rest on these ideas. Doctors in medical school studied medicine by studying dead bodies. Your body is a verb (a process of becoming). A cadaver is not the human body. Doctors end up missing the entire microbiome. 1. Your body is not a thing. It’s a process in consciousness. 2. Therefore, your body is not the same body it was a minute ago (you can’t step in the same river twice). 3. We can change the physical body through our thoughts and behaviors. 4. Statistics are misleading. They don’t tell me where an individual is. We inhabit our home with our bacteria (we share the same microbiome). Genes, he says, have consciousness/intelligence, and this has practical implications for society, for health and healing. 99% or more of the world is sub-empirical. Mind and matter are inseparably one. There is no such thing as a thing. Only activities. |
Book Review – Developmental Trauma: The Game Changer In The Mental Health Profession – Repost
Weinhold, Barry K. & Janae B. Developmental Trauma: The Game Changer in the Mental Health Profession. Colorado Springs: CICRCL Press, 2015.
These two masters, Barry and Janae Weinhold, already had my full attention, as I found their material when I was developing Boundaries 101 and it provided a foundation for my scattered thoughts. We are on the same wavelength in so many ways. We are definitely hanging out in the same field of information. In this book, they talk about how research on attachment and neuroscience is changing our approaches to mental health and they describe in detail the programs they have developed to help people, families and other systems recover from developmental trauma. In particular they offer training to therapists and care providers, enhancing their ability to work effectively with individuals, couples and families. In their work, the Weinholds look at the positive aspects of developmental trauma, and how it can become an asset in people’s relationships, and a force for personal and collective evolution.
I talked about developmental trauma in Boundaries 101 and I talk about it in Being in My Body (as the precursor to PTSD and dissociation). In their book, the Weinholds describe how, in 2014, they were involved in an effort to include developmental trauma as a diagnostic category in the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM V). And that is what needs to happen. The thing is, disorganized attachments and its effects are so common, and their implications so large, that once developmental trauma is integrated into the larger picture, the whole structure of the DSM and the profession will need to change. Needless to say, there was a lot of resistance to including developmental trauma in the DSM, despite the fact that there is ample evidence that it is at the root of so many of the mental disorders (including PTSD, OCD, ADD, etc., not to mention chronic physical illnesses) listed in there, and there is plenty of research to support it.
But as we start talking about developmental trauma as a society, we need to start talking about children as people, and somehow recognize and acknowledge the importance of how we raise our children, and how important their first three years are. And that is a very controversial subject these days.
Barry and Janae are unambiguous on the subject. They feel that “the long-term effects of developmental traumas caused by childhood abuse and neglect as the single most important public health issue in this country.” And I couldn’t agree more.
Bessel van der Kolk, one of the most famous and outspoken experts on trauma, the Weinholds say, “is calling for a massive public crusade against child maltreatment similar to the model that the anti-smoking campaign begun by Surgeon General C. Everett Koop in 1982. He said, ‘We need someone important in public life to have the courage to stand up and take a very visible stand on something like this – it has a huge impact on both science and society.’” This is the kind of response that is called for. In the meantime, we can work on our personal recovery, and integrate trauma awareness wherever we go.
The Weinholds have an online course called Freaked Out: How Hidden Developmental Trauma Can Disrupt Your Life and Relationships, and their website is, www.freakedoutnomore.info Their offerings are designed to help the general public connect the dots between adverse childhood experiences and adult physical and mental health problems; to help them understand the long-term effects of hidden developmental trauma.
This is a Must-Own book for today’s competent therapists. Get your copy on Amazon.com or on there site, here. Here are some of my favorite quotes from this powerful, intelligent, intuitive, game-changing book:
“When parents themselves get triggered and regress, they disconnect from their children and are unavailable to help them regulate their emotions.” (Pg 19)
“The countries in Western, Central, and Eastern Europe have universal parental and maternal leave policies that are much more supportive of infants and families. Their maternity leave periods average around 10 months and they typically provide some form of wage replacement or income supplement for both parents.” (Pg 35)
“This self-reflection (among therapists, teachers, and care providers) requires that they examine the experiences of their own early childhood and look for correlations between their personal issues with children who trigger them, and their unrecognized and unhealed developmental shock, trauma, and stress from the past.” (Pg 37)
“The way to treat psychological trauma was not through the mind but through the body.” (Pg 70)
“(Bruce) Lipton bases his biological premise on extensive research. He draws from unified field theory and asserts that receptors on the membranes of individual cells read the ‘field’ surrounding them. The cells’ perception of the field determines how they respond. When the cells perceive danger, their receptors close and direct the organism into a protective mode. When the cells perceive safety in their environment, the receptors open, and they direct the organism into a growth mode.” (Pg 105)
“Lipton’s operational model has no middle ground: cells and organisms can only be in one mode at a time. Cells are either in a growth mode and able to give and receive information, sustenance and unconditional love; or they are in a protection mode and closed to receiving supportive information and energy.” (Pg 105)
“…(Schore) description of the mother-child relationship with quantum language such as attunement, energetic resonance and synchronization…the beating human heart generates some 2.5 watts of electrical activity with each heartbeat that creates a pulsing electromagnetic field of energy around the body.” (Pg 107)
“What children really need is a ‘time-in’ where they sit on or by you, be touched, and talked to in a calm, soothing way. This not only helps them re-regulate their feelings, it stops the feelings of shame.
“When this happens, children realize there is nothing wrong with having these feelings and they can calm down. Adults are much more empathetic when they understand correctly that the emotional outburst is a symptom of children needing help to re-regulate their emotions.” (Pg 176)
“Children learn to build a False Self based on what others want them to say or do, rather than focusing on what they feel inside about what they have said or done. Parents and teachers too often use externalizing methods of praise to reward children. It truly disconnects children from their inner experiences, causing them to grow up needing validation and approval from others.” (Pg 190)
“According to (Louise) Kaplan, the developmental replay that happens between the ages of eleven and sixteen is an opportunity to repair any developmental trauma that might have happened in early childhood.” (Pg 206)
Developmental Replay in the Teens
| Prenatal11-12 yr | 0 – 1 yr12 – 13 yr | 1 – 2 yr13 – 14 yr | 2 – 3 yr14 – 15 yr | 3 – 4 yr15 – 16 yr |
“…anxiety, depression and panic disorders and the freak-out episodes are NOT diseases or mental illness….these issues are caused by trauma, particularly childhood or developmental trauma…need for support and caring, and targeted tools that help clear the trauma from the nervous system and to rewire the brain.” (Pg 212)
“…relational trauma is the primary cause of the trauma, and that most of it is anchored in a child’s attachment with the mother during the first year of life….” (Pg 213)
“…all experiences of shock, trauma, or stress interfere with human development, we classify them as developmental shock, trauma, or stress. Because all humans have experienced developmental shock, trauma, or stress that has not been recognized or healed, by definition we are all developmentally delayed – individually, systemically, and as a species. Some of us are delayed more and some less, depending on the amount of developmental shock, trauma, or stress that we have experienced, how it was or was not addressed at the time it happened, and what we have done to heal it.” (Pg 223)
“Do snakes fear they might explode into a million pieces and disappear? We think the primary role of teachers and therapists is to create safe containers and hold space for students and clients while they expand, split open, and reorganize themselves at a higher level of evolution.” (Pg 230)
“Clients have an inner template…that guides them towards wholeness. The therapist’s job is to help them discover and live from this innate template….Because all human behavior represents an unconscious attempt to heal or correct something, there is always something ‘right’ about it.” (Pg 233)
“Pacing with clients leaves the power in clients’ hands and keeps the therapist in a facilitative rather than a directive role. This self-other attunement contributes to a healing field of energy between the client and the therapist where the ‘work’ happens. Often ‘doing less is more.’” (Pg 234)
“It is possible to slow down a client’s healing process, but not to speed it up. Hurrying clients can do two counterproductive things. The first is skipping important developmental issues that cause them to ‘recycle.’ The second is overwhelming clients’ nervous systems with too much information too fast and re-traumatizing them.” (Pg 234)
“Abused and neglected children exhibit a variety of behaviors that can lead to any number of diagnoses. However, the effect of early abuse and neglect on the child can be seen in several critical areas of development. These areas include emotional regulation, behavioral regulation, attachment, neurobiology, response flexibility, a coherent integrated sense of self across time, the ability to engage in emotional attunement with significant others (empathy and emotional connectedness). In addition, it affects self-concept, cognitive abilities and learning, and conscience development.” (Pg 238)
“The tips of human chromosomes are known as telomeres. They serve as protective caps that shield the ends of our chromosomes each time our cells divide and the DNA gets copied. With each cell division, the telomeres wear down over time and fray. When telomeres fray and get too short, it causes our cells to malfunction and lose their ability to divide in integrity. This phenomenon is now recognized as a key factor in aging.” (Pg 242)
“…research (Elissa Epel) with a study that examined telomere length in relation to self-reported Presence using a large sample of healthy, relatively low-stress women. She and her colleagues found that greater Presence of mind was related to longer telomere length. Conversely, more negative mind wandering – thinking about other things or wanting to be somewhere else – was related to shorter telomere length.” (Pg 243)
“Through subtle epigenetic exchanges of information and energy between them and the container, clients are able to modify their Internal Working Model of Reality, their attachment styles, and the expression of their genes.” (Pg 243)
“Many experiences of developmental shock, trauma, and stress are caused by neglect related to energetic disconnects during the first year of life, rather than abandonment and abuse. It is very difficult to recognize the presence of emotional, physical, spiritual, or psychological neglect because nothing happened. Abandonment and abuse are easier to recognize and recall, because something happened.” (Pg 257)
“When two people become separate, whole, autonomous people, they no longer need to protect themselves from each other.” (Pg 279)
People Are Not For Comparing
I am eating ice cream off a stick, tasting the sweetness and feeling the coldness with only half of my mouth. I put my attention on tasting with the “awake” side with double focus. The chocolate shell is melting quickly, but I have a plate to catch it when it falls, here at my table in a small ice cream shop in Santa Tere, Guadalajara, where I can watch people walking by on the sidewalk. The air is hot and dry. I recall how my mouth dried so quickly when I was sitting in the dentist’s chair, under her bright light, less than an hour ago.
I am thinking about so many things. About comparing; the energy of comparing. What happens when I am afraid? I analyze and judge. For me, it’s automatic: When I am afraid, I see people in terms of their threat to me. What I’ve recently realized is that I’ve found “safety” in being “better” in some way. Growing up, us children divided ourselves into two groups: “the good ones,” and “the bad ones.” At least that’s how I made sense of the world in my childhood. Mind you, it wasn’t that I was “good” but that I was in that group because nobody knew how bad I was. Just me. And often staying out of harm’s way meant maintaining or nurturing this divide. Now that I think of it, I am definitely responsible for perpetuating this idea among my siblings.
Problem is, the “safety” I achieved from this strategy wasn’t safe at all. It might have protected me from disapproval, physical blows and contempt that my sisters received when they expressed dissent, but in terms of relating with people, it put me at a very unfortunate and decades-long disadvantage. My already stressed-out body responded to this constant inner chatter (analyzing and comparing myself to others) by bracing, warding off confrontation, and maintaining a steady flow of stress hormones. Judging and dividing my siblings left me with a sense of uneasiness in groups, an inability to let my guard down with people who were different from me, to feel close or to take in the goodness that other human beings have to offer, through their very essence.
Prettier, thinner, more deserving, etc. In my adult life it has remained mostly unconscious, but it has never left me, particularly in social situations where I do not feel I have enough control. It has been very, very present: “I am safe if I am on the right side of this divide – you over there; me over here.” That’s how my attention was oriented.
As I gain tools, and a general understanding that judging and comparing are actually things that signal that I’m experiencing vulnerable emotions (feelings I had learned to automatically disconnect from), I’m vigorously exploring healthier alternatives.
This habit of comparing has affected all my relationships. I’ve found safety in partners who are “good enough” to make me look good but not quite as “right” as me. I found comfort in relationships where my opinions were the ones that “counted” (in my mind, for one reason or another). That required – you guessed it – me feeling somehow “one up.” I wasn’t at all confident in my ability to advocate for myself or negotiate. And I had no concept of what it might be like to coexist peaceably alongside someone with whom I disagreed (who must be wrong, of course).
Moving through life like this did nothing but perpetuate my anxiety and fear about my place in the world. Judging and comparing others always does this funny boomerang thing; fear of being judged and coming up short is always the result.
I did not know that I was chronically afraid, that I felt threatened by the “betterness” of other people, much less how to turn that around.
My lifestyle now offers me a time warp through which, rather than living afraid, I now Iive more consciously and at peace. And my body, as a result, is learning to relax as my senses come back online. I follow what gives me pleasure, choose what I desire, filled with gratitude for all that I have. Since I live with a nervous system that is no longer on high alert, I am more aware of what there is to appreciate in this sacred moment, and in the other beings around me.
There’s a profound difference between seeing others through a lens of guardedness and anxiety and removing that lens and just allowing pure sensory information to enter, no longer needing to be “one up” somehow. But this distinction is – more than you might imagine – a product of the nervous system. What has happened to me in the past four years was a subtle but life-changing shift. It has affirmed in me a deep knowing that I don’t need to pretend to be anything I’m not. That I am safe, as perfectly imperfect as I am. That all is well. That regardless of what happens, I will be okay. None of this was possible when I was constantly analyzing my safety based on how I measured up to those around me. That kept my body tense and poised for battle.
In my new life, there is time to do my emotional work. It is safe to feel what I feel and know what I know. Though I am alone, I know that I am safe and have adequate support. Alone, what I enjoy and what I want matters immensely. I am curious about what amuses and entertains me, and it certainly varies from day to day. And my interactions with others is based more on what I like and what leaves me feeling affirmed and inspired.
I’m thinking about the other evening that I spent with my sister, Tracy. It was a very strange visit. I’d had a long day. I was returning from the lake, where I pack in a lot of socializing and play. Back in Guadalajara with Tracy, I noticed my faculties failing me. I literally felt “retarded,” kind of stunned, not at all able to express myself or even find simple words that I needed. Her being four years older, there are a lot of things about Tracy that can trigger me. But this time, while it is true that I was triggered and my body was not acting right, I did not go into an emotional flashback like I have during longer visits with her.
I had been looking forward to seeing her before she left on her trip to Texas. Throughout our visit I was trying to understand what was happening, holding off on any self-judgment or despair about how stupid I was in comparison to her. I was able to just notice the sluggishness of my mind. I didn’t blame Tracy for directing her attention outward and interacting with others in her fluent Spanish from time to time as the evening wore on or for moving at a vibration that was too high/fast for me. She was excited about her upcoming trip and her travels are always interesting to me. Besides, it was a short enough visit, and Tracy is super kind, so I didn’t feel judged or even embarrassed, really.
As usual, my relationship with Tracy gives me so much to chew on. Spending time with her always provides me with information that I can use to grow. I “got through” the visit continuing to hope that I could rebound and be my fully-functioning before it was over, but I didn’t. My brain didn’t come back online until after I left. I did leave fully connected to my sense of humor, my curiosity, and a knowing that I would eventually recover, and that Tracy loved me unconditionally.
Among the triggers that tripped that night were: Being the little sister. In our family, Tracy has always been the one who reaches out for what she wants. That hasn’t come so naturally for me. Tracy is in full swing with her vibrant, exciting career, a career that she declared so many years ago when she went to school for journalism in her early twenties. Tracy is many years ahead of me in terms of language acquisition (Español), so our visit threw me back to being two (when she was six) and she got real good at telling everyone what I meant, thought and wanted. Or so I hear. Tracy’s home here in Mexico has taken shape rapidly; a reflection of the amount of time she has lived in Mexico and the many harrowing and costly trips she has made across the border with trucks, cars and caravans. She actually has furniture.
With my sense of humor intact, I could recognize, that evening, that there really was no competition involved here (and there never was), no one up or one down. I could also recognize that I was not functioning at my best, and that it wasn’t her fault. Some days I am likely to return, momentarily, to my habitual way of comparing and judging. I apologize in advance. But when I do, I more quickly remember that it is no more than a red flag to alert me to my own vulnerable feelings.
And as I do my emotional work, my body relaxes. Intrinsic to this growth journey I’m on is taking responsibility for who I am, getting clearer about what’s important to me, and through staying connected with my entire system, returning again and again to conscious awareness of not just what is okay with me and what isn’t, but what I like, what I need and what I don’t. The effect this has had on my nervous system is enormous, and that evening with Tracy gives me evidence of this.
When I am physically relaxed, novelty is the spice of life, and not a threat. In this state of receptiveness I more readily greet the unknown with playfulness, laughter, and delight. I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. Recovering from developmental trauma involves relaxing the body so that the world can be experienced as the rich and delicious place that it is. Each of us brings our own gifts, our own essence to share in the world. We are surrounded by inspiring, talented, brilliant and interesting people. Not one of us more or less than the other. Just different. People are not for comparing.
Decolonization and my Refrigerator
Decolonization. A great word to describe what is happening in my world today. It’s an idea that you have to experience to “get.” For me, it’s a newfound commitment to living within my means. Not drawing on nonexistent resources or borrowing from the future. And you know what? It’s amazing. Going through life, moment by moment, using my gut as my guide, never wandering too far from joy and pleasure in just the right measure, checking in to see what my purpose really is, as many times as it takes.
This is where it’s at folks. It is breaking to smithereens all the ways I used to feel about the world, first and foremost that I don’t get what I want, or I don’t get the support I need because, you know what? I do. If I can quiet myself enough; if I can receive; if I can listen.
My refrigerator had been giving me fits. The freezer’s been just fine, mind you, but down below, it’s more like the temperature of a root cellar. And about a month ago I had figured out how to deal with a different problem: it was freezing everything. So what I own is a refrigerator that is trying to make up its mind. I know better than to try to ask some technician to look at it. That will be an investment of very questionable value in terms of both time and money. Instead, I get to have this experience, which as it turns out, is kind of fun. I’m decolonizing.
I have been intimately aware of my addictive patterns around food. I devolve down a well-worn groove from good intentions to just a little more of the comfort food, to full-on surrender to my cravings. And I’m forced to find my way back to myself again.
When I came home to my decomposing celery and spinach I got mad. But then I made soup. My heart ached because I had just bought whipping cream for my tea but then I made cream of spinach soup and used the sour cream for my potatoes. It was divine. I froze what was left of the spinach and I went to the market looking for what would keep better in my “root cellar,” began to make more frequent trips to the market (on my bicycle), and purchasing less each time. I also had to stay on my toes (conscious) about planning meals around what needed to be used up first. I made smoothies out of things I’d never used before, and used my dehydrator. And I became even more conscious about scouting out foods that were on sale or offered as surplus. When I do this I know that I’m more likely eating what’s in season and local – at least at my neighborhood market here in Guadalajara.
This, my friends, is what it takes for me to avoid seductive patterns that offer the illusion of comfort; that lure me with their “convenience” but actually lull me into unconsciousness and addiction.
Underneath all that, I am discovering as I listen, are my unconscious fears:
- I’m not going to have what I need.
- Taking care of myself well is a thankless, all-consuming drudge.
- My food needs are overwhelming and unreasonable.
Well.
Now I can see them. Thank you Spirit. Here is what I’m shifting that to:
- I have what I need.
- I am not alone in caring for myself.
- I am well supported, though support sometimes comes in the form of change and I don’t understand it at first.
- My needs are normal.
- Meeting my needs is actually a lot easier than I thought.
The thing is, I need to keep my focus more on the short-term, and not extend my food planning out so far. This is what it takes for me to come out of addiction, to follow my guidance, and live, fully embodied in the present. I’m not sure I’m going to ever fix my refrigerator. I may just begin seeing it as another instrument of God – slowing me down, bringing me back to myself, reconnecting me with my purpose, and helping me to live more sustainably and aware of my body’s needs and the planet.
Getting to the Roof Without a Ladder
My birthday is February 4. The week before my birthday this year, the ladder to the roof went away. It’s happened before. The landlord is renovating an apartment on the other side of the street. It always comes back, though. Eventually.
But it’s been several weeks now, and that’s given me a chance to notice all the things I give up when I can’t get to my roof in the mornings. Firstly and most obviously are my exercises. Without access to my roof, I start the day sedentary and don’t seem to be able to overcome the inertia of that kind of start to my days. I also really missed the little magical things that always seemed to happen on the roof while watching the sun coming up, watching its movement patterns and the visual show it puts on every morning, whether I take the time to notice it or not.
I had spent some time with my sister Tracy on my birthday, and I had been telling her about the ladder situation. She had suggested I buy my own ladder. Well that might make sense to her, I thought, with her money flow and low tolerance for inertia. But I was saving up my money. What about belly dance classes, braces? Pocket money for my upcoming trip to Cuba? And besides, there was just no way I wanted to add to my already too-large collection of belongings that one has to move with them from place to place. I am, after all, a traveler. I could hunker down. The ladder would come back.
So here I was, this morning, with still no access to my roof, when I began to look around at the things I had in my house that I might be able to stack up so that I could climb up and out through my patio. Bingo.
Returning to the sacred time I spend with myself. It’s all available to me once more. All I have to do is decide that it’s what I really want. The sky, exercise, the sunrise, nature, my beloved – all available to me. I had allowed myself to disconnect from the sweetness of that part of my day. Unlike Tracy, I had learned to accept too easily that things I want just aren’t available.
What might have made this morning different, however, was the mounting of irrefutable evidence. I was better off when I could connect. Doing without was causing me a level of discomfort and annoyance that I was willing to notice and tend to (along with that spark of an idea that came from Tracy).
Today is a day of real celebration. My happiness actually matters to me. A lot. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain. I need not settle for a life that does not provide my most essential needs. I’m now in the market for a new place to live. It will have easy and regular access to the skyline. It won’t have two jynormous media signal towers that keep me from sleeping well. In the meantime, I am aware. I will not as easily forget, when my connections to source are taken away, that I am powerful and that I can restore them.
I have resources, and I desire to stay connected to the sweetness that is my source, my beloved. Whatever is necessary to maintain that connection is available to me, even if it means I need to move the furniture. I need not accept disconnection, and Source, in her way, is happy to support me in my efforts to reconnect.
Left and Right Hemispheres of the Brain
Yesterday, while listening to an online class by Bonnie Badenoch, PhD, LMFT, where she is talking about how we need other people to regulate our emotions (our whole lives, not just as infants and small children), I gleaned a very concise description of the functions of the right and left hemispheres of the brain. Being an EMDR therapist, my ears perked up. But she took it further than that. In her description, the emphasis she placed was on the relationship between the two hemispheres (EMDR is a therapy that successfully integrates left and right hemispheres in order to resolve trauma that has remained frozen, often for decades). Early in her talk (which is free and available online, she points out that effective therapy follows the client, allowing the healing to happen on its own (which is what both EMDR and CranioSacral therapy do). Here is a simplified version of what she said.
|
Right Hemisphere |
Left Hemisphere |
|
Sensitivity to suffering Attending to what is going on in the relational realm In the present moment (what’s happening between us?) Staying with the unfolding process EMERGENCE DEEP CONNECTION (with nature and/or with another) DEEP WARMTH BOTH – AND Can handle PARADOX Values Individuality, Uniqueness, Connection WE Meaning > Happiness |
Offers distance from emotions Provides Stability/Steadiness Takes what we receive from the other hemisphere and disassembles it so that it can be used to create systems that we can rely on. It has to freeze things in order to take them apart and use them. TASK > RELATIONSHIPS Can provide WISDOM (Why does this make complete sense?) EITHER – OR Values JUDGMENT Creates Protocols and Frameworks I Thinks everything will turn out okay (but there is an underlying paranoia) There is no meaning (except for what I WANT) |
I want to take this a step further and suggest that adequate self parenting, which is necessary to overcome early relational trauma, could be thought of in terms of the relationship between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. And if you wanted to get really crazy, between the Inner Feminine and the Inner Masculine (which has been referred to – I suspect – as the Divine Marriage).
Which brings me to this point at which I want to share a recent experience with you. In a moment of inspiration several months ago, I drew (with the help of a collection of slumped postures online) a profile of myself that I had projected onto another person, who I then felt slightly judgmental toward. It occurred to me that I might put the image out on Facebook, tagging a few friends who I thought might have knowledge or resources to “read” that posture to see what it had to say (I said it was a client I needed help with). I had been doing tai chi and listening to Trina’s song, This Simplicity, when I heard the lyrics, “What the soul is longing for, and what this body needs.” Everything stopped while I wrote down these words, which I used, along with a very practical, physical question, What happened to this body from a physiological perspective, and why does she hold herself this way? The questions I asked came from two different places, and from the responses I got on Facebook, two different answers emerged. To what can we attribute these two different approaches? Before Bonnie Badenoch, I would have, hands down, said Inner Masculine and Inner Feminine. Now, if I need to, I can say Left Hemisphere and Right Hemisphere. If you’d like to see what emerged, use the links to read more (you can enter through the portal that feels most comfortable to you)!
I’d love to hear which portal you used, and what you think of the material you find there! If you are curious about what your soul is longing for and what your body needs, we could try continuing the Facebook conversation. As always, I’d love to hear from you!
Slowing Way Down
I’m watching the sky light up this morning. I begin watching well before the sun comes up (6:45 is early enough, actually), so that I can be a witness to the contrast of the darkness, where the stars are still visible. It’s nippy out, and I have leg warmers, fluffy socks, and three layers up above. I’m wearing a fluffy purple muffler to keep my neck warm. I’ve finished my tea and I’m at a point now where I might usually go and start my stretches because nothing is really beckoning me to continue watching the pre-sunrise sky in the east. Then I notice two little groups of birds flying with each other. They are flying in tandem. They make sort of a figure 8 in the sky; they float toward and through each other and then out again in this rhythm where they are repeating the pattern over and over and over again, flying with each other. It seems to me that they are playing. As they continue this pattern, it’s kind of hypnotic to watch, and interesting too because they know what they are doing and they are doing it purposefully, and for some reason that I can only imagine.
I’m still facing east and it strikes me that these birds are right there, in my line of vision, and I keep watching. It seems to me that there are no other little groups of birds doing anything anywhere else. But this little group of birds has positioned itself right in front of me. And I just continue to watch them until they merge and become one group. And that one group of birds continues flying in my line of sight back and forth and around. And there are little outsiders, and I watch how they have to fly extra hard to catch up, from time to time, to avoid falling out of the group, and the distance they have to fly to stay in the formation is bigger. But they do their part to continue to be with the group, and the group continues to function like a group and it just keeps moving and dancing and doing what it does.
I think about this group of birds, and what motivates it to do what it does. I can’t imagine that it is striving for perfection, or that any of those individual birds are working on a technique, or that they are trying to get it better than any other little group of birds or needing to get any better than they were before. They are just doing it. They are flying. They are flying because that’s what they do.
I’m admiring patterns these days. Some patterns that are emerging are the similarities I see between bodywork (tai chi, etc.) and being with other people. The three levels of patterns that are occurring to me are 1) Slow down, 2) Let Pleasure In, and 3) Don’t Try; Just be. Today I’ll focus just on the first, but I know they are also all woven together.
Slowing down when spending time with other people improves the quality of the connection. It improves the likelihood that what is being shared is a person’s deepest truth and not some unexamined word pattern that emerges from habit or old wounds; discharge of (and/or distraction from) unfelt emotions, or defenses against really being known. Our culture does not currently support being slow with one another, but I say this is where so much richness, beauty and potential lies. What would it take to create an environment in which taking two deep breaths before responding would be natural? And a listener would not rush in to fill the silence. An environment like this would offer an unspoken, “There is no need to rush. Take your time. Take all the time you need to express yourself fully.” How amazing and how terrifying would that kind of environment be?
I desire to mend old ways of relating with others: hiding, controlling, defending. It is my intention to get better at staying connected with myself and my felt sense as I share myself with others, so that I can benefit more from the connection that human sharing can offer. Talking before connecting with myself, I have found, can result in saying things that might be “true” but are unkind, or “true” only at a superficial (usually injured, egoic) level. What I communicate when I am fully grounded and embodied is an expression of what I value, it invites a response from you that is an authentic expression of you, and the sharing creates something of value that simply nothing else can.
With the body, in activities such as yoga or tai chi, we are gently coaxed into asanas or forms that are different from what we would habitually assume. Such activities give us opportunities to slow down – to explore and know ourselves better, to listen to our deeper truth, and to improve the quality of our lives. Slowing our movements down allows us to bring awareness to unconscious ways we have used our bodies to avoid discomfort or pain it might have just been more “pleasant” to ignore. When we rush from Point A to Point B we are likely to take the path we have habitually taken, whether it’s the most elegant, most expressive, most effortless, or most ergonomically sensible path. When we take this path (from A to B) unconsciously, despite the extra effort this route may cost us (both in terms of its inefficiency and the energy required to keep information outside of awareness), we inevitably communicate our unconscious pain in the world – at the very least to the unconscious selves of others, who have brains designed to pick up such information. Such subtleties match up with other information patterns they have stored in their memory banks, beneath conscious awareness and are likely to later trigger unconscious responses and unexplained emotions in your relating with one another.
In slowing down, we may feel something we’ve been avoiding. And we might not like that, actually. But in slowing way down, we may make connections, and gain understandings about ourselves we never had before. In slowing down, we bring consciousness to those painful places we’ve been avoiding, to find out what is actually there. And in bringing consciousness there, we can understand that the pain is nothing more than sensation. You thought that was pain. But approaching that sensation with curiosity instead of judgment, with gentle exploration and generosity in terms of time and pacing, this “pain” might actually offer you information that heals and pleasure that you hadn’t afforded yourself before (which besides feeling good, brings resilience, vitality and gentle supportive presence to the body). It’s not the scary thing we’ve been spending so much energy protecting ourselves from and avoiding.
When the person I’m with is accelerated, I feel compelled to share what I have to say quickly. I am somewhat skilled at meeting other people where they are vibrationally, and have built my identity around matching and attuning, and blending in. Unknowingly, I have postponed developing the ability to claim my own vibrational frequency and maintain it in the presence of another. As a result I have often settled for the superficial (shiny, exciting) interaction that happens between two people, when what I am yearning for is so much more. The pleasure of a particular kind of connecting that I yearn for is one in which I am unguarded, grounded, and connected with exactly who I am. Grounded, in this moment, is nothing more than being attuned to my senses in this moment, being willing to slow down and take those two breaths before responding, and speaking only those words that I need to speak to express my experience in the moment.
It’s not possible to be truly compassionate with ourselves or others when we are running on adrenaline and cortosol, on guard, defended and triggered. That is why I recommend learning how to slow down, calm the body, connect with yourself and then communicate with those around you from a grounded, mindful place. It takes more than a sound bite to express oneself. And it takes more than sitting in front of the television to relax after a stressful day at work. Changing gears after living a high-vibration lifestyle for years and years is something that has to be done on purpose; it doesn’t just happen on its own. That is what I have put my mind to doing, and let me tell you, I will never turn back.
The birds this morning, in their flying and being who they are reminded me that we all know who we are, though we might have temporarily forgotten. We have worked so hard to cover up what makes us uniquely us, to mask it, or to make it different so that it is acceptable to someone else. The birds’ message to me this morning was: Don’t try; just be. Right now, do what is necessary to reconnect with the God-given greatness of all that you are. Be right here in this moment, now, and play as if right now were all that there was. You have a way to express yourself, and you have your own, inherent vibrational frequency. Re-member that it is right to want to do what you do effortlessly, naturally, and with great playfulness and joy. And then give yourself permission to go out and do it.