Ramblings – Interpersonal Neurobiology & Affirmations

Interpersonal Neurobiology.  This is a pairing of words that always gets my attention.  Some days it makes me feel inadequate because I haven’t chosen this as a field of study, per se.  Some days I feel sad because I want to have the title Interpersonal Neurobiologist, and I don’t.  But today it just makes me sit in wonder, pure awe of the universe we live in, and the things we get to do here.  

I guess I could say that I know a fair amount about interpersonal dynamics.  I could say, also, that I have made a decent attempt to inform myself about the nervous system and how the nervous systems of individuals respond to other nervous systems, and how we come into our lives here on earth with nervous systems that aren’t fully developed, and we need the nervous systems of other people, particularly our mothers, in order to develop and properly grow and mature.  I can unarguably claim over half a century of experience trying to figure out how to regulate my own nervous system, and have actually had some success in the past decade or so.  And now, from a place where I have some agency and confidence around my ability to calm my own nervous system, I am discovering that I am excited about getting even better at it.  And excited, also, that this can only be done with the help of and in the company of other people.  I can honestly say that this–at this particular moment–terrifies me almost as much as it thrills me.  I know this because of a nightmare that woke me up this morning.  I come back to that later. 

But whether it is a community potluck, a group of people sitting around a bonfire, an online class, group therapy, a 12-Step Group, or Thanksgiving Dinner at Grandma’s, people can come together and actually be better off from having done so.  Am I the only one feeling the profound potential here?  Because if I’m honest, tapping into and using this potential has not worked well for me in too many contexts in the past, and since that has only relatively recently changed for me, I want to compare notes with those of you who are still reaching and yearning and working for rich and deep and satisfying and inspiring and gorgeous and transformative interactions with other humans as the new normal.  

As I survey what I see as our dominant society and culture, as humans in the 21st Century, we have created, on the grandest scale, groups, systems, institutions and organizations that at best are failing to produce what we most need in the world today and at worst represent all of the things we loathe and wish with all our hearts to avoid. Yes, there are good things happening, but I am not willing to dismiss this overarching state of affairs right now.  Families too often fail to protect and nurture their children, churches intentionally terrify and bewilder us and extract our resources, governing bodies fail to come together to represent or serve our best interests.  And I don’t even begin to have words to talk about our economy.  Resources, time, money and life force energy is being wasted in all the ways.  We try, like swashbucklers, to make these groups and organizations work for us, to do our part; to do the right thing.  But in the end, maybe the only way to maintain our sanity is to accept that we can’t and never will be able to make these groups work for us.  And to accept that it’s actually okay, because we can get what we want and need (and have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it) anyway.  (I do realize that there are people out there whose truth it is to work in institutions, and my hat’s off to you.  I don’t diminish the value of what you are doing.  It’s just clearly not my gig.)

What if it’s true that there is absolutely nothing stopping us from convening and collaborating our intentions and energies in a different way? What if we can count on ourselves and our own senses to know what we desire, so that we can join forces and explore and create and play?  And what if organizing with safe others for creative play is actually the solution to all our problems?  That is the realm in which my interests lie at the moment.

As I push myself to do things outside of the familiar; outside of my personal comfort zone, I am benefiting in so many ways.  In preparation for our next Family Constellations Circle, I can identify, name and use my fears, my emotions, my worries, to build reassurances and encouragements and positive statements to use for myself to help me calm my nervous system (because Toni, who do you think you are to be doing something so bold and outside the box? is notably not calming my nervous system).  

Spoiler Alert: this post ends with the list of affirmations I plan to use for the next couple weeks.  Feel free to use those affirmations that have meaning for you, and use any others as seed ideas to build your own affirmations if that helps you to reassure your vulnerable inner children.

I’m pretty sure my angels and guides woke me up this morning with a dream and a realization that I need to double down on identifying and removing hidden obstacles to speaking from my heart in real time.  Because this is the reason being in groups has not worked for me in the past.

My work now is to use my dream material to help me notice and name, one by one, the things that may keep me from speaking freely from my heart in real time.  See if any of these resonate for you too.

  1. Shame about being so caught up in my own anxiety and stress that I can’t receive information from my senses about what’s happening in the moment. Disappointment in myself for not performing up to my own standards or as well as someone else who I’m sure could do it better.  Shame for not being in control of my own body/nervous system.
  2. Fear of being blindsided by a trigger reflex, which shuts down the ability to enjoy connecting with others. Fear of missing the juiciest and sweetest parts because I’m so fixated on something that “should” be and isn’t, or getting it perfect.
  3. Fear of having to pretend to be completely present, calm and relaxed, while actually feeling a bit stunned and not sure I can connect to the words I need to express what I want to express and to accomplish my goals.  Shame because I’m not feeling the calm and relaxed and grounded state I’m asking my group to feel.  Fear that I won’t have what I need when I need it.  Fear that I am inadequate, a fraud.  Fear that what I have to offer (me being me, with my ideas, my contribution, my emotions, my processes and needs) is not of value.
  4. Fear of inadequately or incompletely expressing the breadth and depth of myself, my knowledge and lived experience.  Being misunderstood.  Fear of selling myself short, fear of disappointing people, of not delivering what others want and need.  Fear that I can’t trust myself and my instincts.
  5. Fear of not having the integration I need to express myself in an engaging way when I want to.  Fear of not being healed enough or skilled enough or capable enough or worthy of attention and trust.
  6. (and get this) Fear of actually getting what I’m asking for; of truly succeeding.  Fear that if I succeed, I won’t be able to handle the big feelings and issues and problems that come with that.
  7. Chronic, unconscious muscular tension.  Unconsciously clenching muscles.  In the body in general, including but not limited to the physiological avenue of expression.  Chronic, unconscious tension in the body restricts the free flow of information from the body to the brain and vice versa.  I suspect that I have yet-to-be-identified muscular tension that keeps me from expressing emotions as they come up and advocating for myself, especially in circumstances where I feel I might be out of line somehow, or going against dominant paradigms (which is just asking for bad things to happen, right?)  Women can’t be openly powerful or successful (without paying for it).  It’s not safe to be powerful.  It’s not safe to openly be a channel for the divine.  

And at the bottom of all of that I notice a subtle but very primal fear of being cast out, being rejected, being dismissed, being exiled, or otherwise paying the price.

Affirmations

  • I’ve actually been experimenting with bringing more consciousness to my desires and actively manifesting more of what I desire in my life.  
  • The results I’m getting are practically immediate, mostly delightful, new and surprising, and I am learning about myself as I go along.  
  • I get to make adjustments when unexpected things crop up and I become aware of needs I didn’t know about before.  
  • I am capable of learning from my experiences.  
  • I’m actually not too bad at this.
  • It is my responsibility to value and honor myself by building in spaciousness and care and attunement around any group offering I decide to make (risks I take in new areas of my life, around tender new skills I am just developing).  
  • I accept that responsibility and make self care a priority, fully realizing that I will perform better and feel better about my performance if I am better prepared, physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically.  
  • I have all the support and guidance I need to adequately prepare for these events.  
  • The fact that I can imagine how it feels when I can relax and draw on my experience and knowledge to hold the space well (help my group members feel comfortable and prepared to participate in a group that goes the way I want it to go, and benefits all who attend) tells me that I am capable.  
  • I can accept myself exactly as I am as I strengthen my skills.  
  • I am worthy of consideration, kindness and patience as I learn and grow.  
  • I do not have to be perfect.
  • When I get clear on what I want and need and articulate it, my needs are met as if by magic.  
  • My feelings help me know what I want and need.   
  • I know something about emotions and nervous systems, and I can trust myself to come up with the words I need to adequately express myself.
  • This is not a competition.
  • I don’t need to compare myself with anyone else.
  • I can just be me.
  • I am good enough.
  • I’m not asking too much of myself.  
  • I do this with every client, reliably.  
  • The only thing is I am increasing the number of people I’m doing it with at one time.
  • I’m in this for the long haul.  
  • I am committed to learning how to care for myself well.
  • I am gaining more and more confidence in my ability to stay emotionally regulated and present in any group space, especially those that I call and facilitate.  

My responsibility is to hold the container knowing that I can respond appropriately, and guide the process.

  • I trust that I am adequately supported to do this, and that it is mine to do.
  • I give myself grace, knowing that I am human, and I will probably not do it perfectly, but that it will be okay.
  • Participants will be able to give me feedback that I can digest and integrate as appropriate.

What makes this risk worthwhile to me, is that in larger groups, we can accomplish extravagant healings in the context of the constellations, while learning even more about family systems and how they work, and how we’re more connected and alike than we ever knew.  And we can actually participate in and support the healing of the others in the group in ways we never imagined were possible–all while bringing that same healing to ourselves.  All of us benefit, and the effects ripple outward into our communities and the world.

Gleanings from the Dream

  • I’m pushing up against my comfort edge, learning something new.  
  • In the role of teacher/facilitator, my responsibility is to the class, ensuring safety, and making sure people have my calm and compassionate presence.  
  • This is not particularly new.  What is new is being recognized for it, asking for and receiving support for it, and getting paid for it.  
  • Neuropathways in my brain are being built, but many of the most essential ones are not even approaching finished.  
  • This could take some time.  
  • I need to pay attention to my habit of scrambling to fulfill my responsibilities to others.  I can relax and trust that all is as it should be.  I am not alone.  
  • I’m noticing that I have been efforting quite a bit, failing to recognize and honor the stage of development that I’m at.  There is risk in forcing things to happen before their time.  
  • Ultimately I have to surrender and accept that the way I need to go (the long and slow way around), while it seems cumbersome and inefficient, it is way more effective and efficient in the long run.  From where I currently stand, it is apparently the only way, and all I can do is accept that and work with it. 
  • Pay attention to the process.  There are profoundly beautiful and unexpected scenes along the way, not just at the end.
  • I am definitely not on my own.
  • I can always count on my wise, creative self who is always working behind the scenes to help me problem solve, and connect with other very capable and state-of-the-art supports so I can regroup and return to my creative goals and responsibilities.

Affirmations to Address Blocks to Sweetness and Abundance

And the kicker, which is a combination of my conditioning and what my body instinctively knows: This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way. If I’m not attuned to or if I demand what I want/need. The ultimate double bind.

(As infants) “our most intimate sense of self is created in our minute-to-minute exchanges with our caregivers.”
“Early attachment patterns create the inner maps that chart our relationships throughout life, not only in terms of what we expect from others, but also in terms of how much comfort and pleasure we can experience in their presence.”

Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score

I get to reach out for what I want.
I am more of who I came here to be when I reach for what I want.
I get connection that feels sweet to me.
I get to have friends who give of themselves, who have skills, who do their emotional work.
Doing without is not a virtue.
Doing without is a way of shutting down and blocking the flow of good.
Identifying with doing without is another form of anger, resentment and unfelt pain.
God and I are on the same team.
God tells me what I want and need by giving me emotional responses, which I can attune to, and learn from.
I can be involved in this process.
It isn’t some mysterious process that happens behind the scenes.
If I stay in denial about my emotions and needs, I am telling myself that I am not worthy of my own care and attention.
There is no reward for applying austerity measures in response to scarcity.
I am totally worthy of the sweet stuff.
Doing without is not what gets me what I should have had in the first place.
Doing without is not what gets me what is already available and free for the taking: the really sweet stuff of life.
The really sweet stuff of life is free.
I am the one who gets to say what I like and what is sweet to me, in each moment.
There is no should when it comes to my desires.
I am completely worthy of pursuing my heart’s desires.
Spirit is right behind me, encouraging me to reach for and satisfy exactly that.
My heart’s desires are gifts, and I can attune to them, clarify them, and explore them.
I am encouraged to act on my desires.
I can be deeply satisfied even when I am reaching for other things I don’t yet have.
Me being deeply satisfied hurts nobody!
I can get what I want and need.
I release the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, and terror of not being well-attuned to in infancy and childhood.
I can let that go now.

These affirmations sprung out of my head after working with a client who shares my blocks around moving from scarcity to abundance.

The fear and pain and resentment that is trapped in a human body from infancy and childhood can be expressed in words.  Once the words are stated, a part of oneself can feel seen, heard and validated.  Once the feelings are acknowledged, they can actually be released.

Here are the emotions (not truths) expressed in words:

• If I do without (the sweet stuff – these profoundly necessary things: connection, being attuned to well, expression of my desires) I will be rewarded.
• The real reward comes if I am self-disciplined and accept doing without (without complaining or being upset).
• I will be rewarded with what I “really” need (what God thinks I need).
• If I accept the lie and tell myself I’m not worthy – for some reason – of the sweet stuff in life, then I will subconsciously believe that doing without what I really want will get me what I should have; that I will be rewarded and that I will then be worthy.
• Sacrificing gets me the good stuff, that I may or may not like or understand, but God knows better than me, so I’ll trust and accept that.
• If I accept the other lie that what I really want is not a trustworthy or reliable gauge of what I should have, I’ll eventually get what I should have.
• I can’t trust my desires, for sure. That will bring me unhappiness.
• Acknowledging my desires and outwardly reaching for what I want is selfish and bad and will only result in unhappiness.
• I will be punished if I act on my desires.
• There will be serious negative consequences if my wants and needs are deeply satisfied. It will probably really hurt someone I love.
• It is impossible for my wants and needs to be satisfied, so it’s an infernal waste of time to pursue that or focus on them.
• This really is a matter of life or death. I die either way.
• If I’m not attuned to or if I ask directly for what I want/need.

Today I Know

When I notice rage or hate, I can understand that I’m carrying beliefs from the past that tell me that my discomfort should be attended to by others, and that my survival, in fact, depends on it.
Today, I know that my discomfort is my business. In the light of this knowledge, I bring consciousness to this part of me. I can choose to ask for your attention or your help in a way that is respectful and kind. I can tolerate your no, knowing that I can get my needs met in more ways than one. I know that I do not depend on you to meet all my needs.
I now understand that my emotions belong to me alone. I can use them to inform me. I am learning to tolerate them as they move through me. This understanding makes it more possible for me to allow you to own your emotions (and allow them to be your business – not mine) as well.

When I see myself rushing from one task to another, without resting or attending to my basic needs, I can understand that I’m carrying the beliefs of others who taught me that my worth is conditional.

I now choose to bring consciousness to this idea of my worth being conditional. Here is how the programming seems to go (as modeled by the people around me when I was growing up). Sometimes the emphasis is based upon how hard I work. (I am worthy when I work.) Sometimes it’s on how much I accomplish. (I am worthy when I get lots of stuff accomplished.) Other times, it’s on how pleasant (translation: agreeable) and/or how strong I am. (I am worthy when I don’t rock the boat or make demands.)
This mistaken belief goes something like this:
• If I don’t have enough it’s probably because I’m unworthy.
• If there is the appearance of lack, or imperfection, it’s probably my fault.
• If there is an appearance of lack or imperfection, I have no business resting or playing.
• The more I work the more worthy I am.
• I am beyond reproach if I am always working my hardest.
• I am exempt from the scrutiny of others when I work and remain continually productive.
• I can avoid feelings of vulnerability if I can provide for all my own needs and if I require nothing from others.
• Asking others to help me meet my needs is humiliating and unacceptable.
• It is shameful and humiliating to have unmet needs.

Today I know that my worth is unconditional. I am worthy whether I am working, playing, resting, or just being. I am learning that it is normal to have needs and that it is good and right for me to attend to them. I am learning that my needs are real and important, and that I will not self destruct if they are not immediately met. As with any skill, it will take time for me to learn to attend to my needs with grace and dignity.
I can allow myself the time that I need to learn.