Decolonization. A great word to describe what is happening in my world today. It’s an idea that you have to experience to “get.” For me, it’s a newfound commitment to living within my means. Not drawing on nonexistent resources or borrowing from the future. And you know what? It’s amazing. Going through life, moment by moment, using my gut as my guide, never wandering too far from joy and pleasure in just the right measure, checking in to see what my purpose really is, as many times as it takes.
This is where it’s at folks. It is breaking to smithereens all the ways I used to feel about the world, first and foremost that I don’t get what I want, or I don’t get the support I need because, you know what? I do. If I can quiet myself enough; if I can receive; if I can listen.
My refrigerator had been giving me fits. The freezer’s been just fine, mind you, but down below, it’s more like the temperature of a root cellar. And about a month ago I had figured out how to deal with a different problem: it was freezing everything. So what I own is a refrigerator that is trying to make up its mind. I know better than to try to ask some technician to look at it. That will be an investment of very questionable value in terms of both time and money. Instead, I get to have this experience, which as it turns out, is kind of fun. I’m decolonizing.
I have been intimately aware of my addictive patterns around food. I devolve down a well-worn groove from good intentions to just a little more of the comfort food, to full-on surrender to my cravings. And I’m forced to find my way back to myself again.
When I came home to my decomposing celery and spinach I got mad. But then I made soup. My heart ached because I had just bought whipping cream for my tea but then I made cream of spinach soup and used the sour cream for my potatoes. It was divine. I froze what was left of the spinach and I went to the market looking for what would keep better in my “root cellar,” began to make more frequent trips to the market (on my bicycle), and purchasing less each time. I also had to stay on my toes (conscious) about planning meals around what needed to be used up first. I made smoothies out of things I’d never used before, and used my dehydrator. And I became even more conscious about scouting out foods that were on sale or offered as surplus. When I do this I know that I’m more likely eating what’s in season and local – at least at my neighborhood market here in Guadalajara.
This, my friends, is what it takes for me to avoid seductive patterns that offer the illusion of comfort; that lure me with their “convenience” but actually lull me into unconsciousness and addiction.
Underneath all that, I am discovering as I listen, are my unconscious fears:
- I’m not going to have what I need.
- Taking care of myself well is a thankless, all-consuming drudge.
- My food needs are overwhelming and unreasonable.
Now I can see them. Thank you Spirit. Here is what I’m shifting that to:
- I have what I need.
- I am not alone in caring for myself.
- I am well supported, though support sometimes comes in the form of change and I don’t understand it at first.
- My needs are normal.
- Meeting my needs is actually a lot easier than I thought.
The thing is, I need to keep my focus more on the short-term, and not extend my food planning out so far. This is what it takes for me to come out of addiction, to follow my guidance, and live, fully embodied in the present. I’m not sure I’m going to ever fix my refrigerator. I may just begin seeing it as another instrument of God – slowing me down, bringing me back to myself, reconnecting me with my purpose, and helping me to live more sustainably and aware of my body’s needs and the planet.