My birthday is February 4. The week before my birthday this year, the ladder to the roof went away. It’s happened before. The landlord is renovating an apartment on the other side of the street. It always comes back, though. Eventually.
But it’s been several weeks now, and that’s given me a chance to notice all the things I give up when I can’t get to my roof in the mornings. Firstly and most obviously are my exercises. Without access to my roof, I start the day sedentary and don’t seem to be able to overcome the inertia of that kind of start to my days. I also really missed the little magical things that always seemed to happen on the roof while watching the sun coming up, watching its movement patterns and the visual show it puts on every morning, whether I take the time to notice it or not.
I had spent some time with my sister Tracy on my birthday, and I had been telling her about the ladder situation. She had suggested I buy my own ladder. Well that might make sense to her, I thought, with her money flow and low tolerance for inertia. But I was saving up my money. What about belly dance classes, braces? Pocket money for my upcoming trip to Cuba? And besides, there was just no way I wanted to add to my already too-large collection of belongings that one has to move with them from place to place. I am, after all, a traveler. I could hunker down. The ladder would come back.
So here I was, this morning, with still no access to my roof, when I began to look around at the things I had in my house that I might be able to stack up so that I could climb up and out through my patio. Bingo.
Returning to the sacred time I spend with myself. It’s all available to me once more. All I have to do is decide that it’s what I really want. The sky, exercise, the sunrise, nature, my beloved – all available to me. I had allowed myself to disconnect from the sweetness of that part of my day. Unlike Tracy, I had learned to accept too easily that things I want just aren’t available.
What might have made this morning different, however, was the mounting of irrefutable evidence. I was better off when I could connect. Doing without was causing me a level of discomfort and annoyance that I was willing to notice and tend to (along with that spark of an idea that came from Tracy).
Today is a day of real celebration. My happiness actually matters to me. A lot. I am creating new neural pathways in my brain. I need not settle for a life that does not provide my most essential needs. I’m now in the market for a new place to live. It will have easy and regular access to the skyline. It won’t have two jynormous media signal towers that keep me from sleeping well. In the meantime, I am aware. I will not as easily forget, when my connections to source are taken away, that I am powerful and that I can restore them.
I have resources, and I desire to stay connected to the sweetness that is my source, my beloved. Whatever is necessary to maintain that connection is available to me, even if it means I need to move the furniture. I need not accept disconnection, and Source, in her way, is happy to support me in my efforts to reconnect.